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pinkcorsage's Blog


Entering 2014 wondering "Will it ever go away?"

I'm 9 months pregnant.  About to give birth any day now.  The only thing I can think about after how excited I am to meet my daughter is how I need to lose the weight I've packed on in this pregnancy.  I feel huge.  I've gained 35 lbs (and I'm not even done yet.  I got stretch marks too, that doesn't even bother me, it's the number on the scale that bothers me so much).

I haven't thrown up since February 25th of this year, and right now it's December 28th.  That's 10 months.  10 months I've not gorged and then thrown up.  But I've been pregnant most of those months.  It's so hard to see myself now and look at what I used to look like. I worry I won't be able to get back to that weight or ever look the way I did before I got pregnant.  I was happy when I was skinny, I felt better about myself.  I know where I was last year, I was not in a healthy state, and I wasn't in a good place.  I had shrunk down to a scary 84 lbs and that wasn't healthy, not by any means.  And here I am at 130 lbs, (pregnant) and wishing I could get back down to 90.

Why is it so hard to accept that no matter what weight I am, I'm still beautiful, that the lbs don't count?  that the father of my child loves me for me.  I have been so good this entire pregnancy to take care of my body for my daughter, but all I can think about as my due date gets closer and closer is that I need to be skinny again.  Not healthy, skinny.  I have to shed the lbs, and look good again.  I equate looking good with skinny.  I know what I have is a disease, and it's been dormant but every time I see a skinny girl I'm jealous.  She's skinny.  I want to be skinny.  I know I'm pregnant and I'm not planning on doing anything while I'm pregnant.  I just feel so fat right now.  Everything has blown up.  My thighs, my butt, my boobs, everything.

I don't want to binge.  I don't want to lose weight unhealthily, but I don't want to be fat either and I'm afraid after this child is born I won't be able to lose the weight.  That I'll be fat forever.  I just wish I could let go of this feeling.  I've avoided experience project for while just because I felt like it was a crutch for me.  And now here I am back on experience project feeling terrible.

Graduating and Pregnant



May 18th was the day I graduated from college. It was also the day I peed on a stick and found out I was pregnant.  Me? Pregnant?   I never thought it would be possible.   I suppose a part of me thought like many "It won't happen to me, I'm different."  Well here I was sitting on the toilet looking at this pregnancy test.

My first thought was it's wrong. It's broken.  It's a false positive.  But it is rare to get one of those.   Especially since I am nearly 3 weeks late.  Just in case though I took another one.

Clear Blue Digital. Well it came out with the same result - positive.  Since this wasn't my first morning urine I believed that this test was just as accurate.  According to a conception calendar online I'm almost 7 weeks.  Which means I haven't been the most careful about drinking.  I've celebrated finishing college classes a couple of weeks with some drinks. Gone out with friends to bars where people were smoking.  All of my choices in the past two weeks have been closely examined.

I honestly thought it couldn't happen to me.  I mean pregnancy?  But it fit, all of a sudden, the symptoms hit me like a train.  The bloating, the weepiness, the mood swings, the hot flashes, just every symptom I had ignored came popping up.

How could I have not known I was pregnant?  I suppose I was traveling the river of De Nile.  The first person I told I didn't really tell.  I went just to him asking him one question: "does this look like a positive to you?"  I burst into his room like the devil out of hell at 6am in the morning.  Of course my roommate was sleeping and looked at me like I was crazy. "What?"

"Does this look like a positive to you?"

"Yeah I guess," and his answer only proved what I wasn't ready to accept just yet.  It was a positive response.

 Meaning there was a child growing inside me right now.   A child I hadn't even planned on.  But someone I had already started to love and care for.

My mom didn't cry when I told her but I certainly did.  I thought maybe she'd think I was a failure. A disappointment instead she just hugged me and let me cry it out.   She told me that she would help me either way: adoption, abortion or if I kept it.
I knew the moment I saw pregnant on that test that only one choice was in my mind.  I would keep the baby. It may have been an accident but the baby was made out of love.

When I told Jim we were in the middle of a restaurant with tons of other people around us.  We were at lunch for my graduation and when I went to the bathroom I asked him to come with me (odd I know) and when we were near the bathroom I said, "I have to tell you something, and I know this is totally the wrong place to say it, but I can't keep sitting next to you without saying anything," I took a breath, "I'm pregnant."  I couldn't even look him in the eyes as I said it.

His first response was to look completely shocked.  His second response was to hug me tightly.  He didn't say anything just yet.  I think he was at a lost for words.  He pulled away slightly to look at me and at this time I was holding his hands and I was still looking downward when I said, "I'm sorry," but before I could finish that thought, Jim had released my hands and both of his hands went to my neck and lifted my chin up and he kissed me.  It wasn't a passionate kiss, it was gentle but meaningful kiss.  

"I love you, no matter what."  Jim looked me right in the eyes as he said it and gave me one last kiss on the forehead before he let me go to the bathroom and he returned to the table.

But what does that mean for my future?  Finding a full time job is more imperative than ever.  The cost of having a child is high let alone raising one.  Jim and I always talked about getting married, having kids, and things such as that.  We never planned on having one so soon.  I don't know what this means for our future either.  But, Jim and I are there 100% for our child.

Without You

Today was the first day in a long time that I seriously hated myself and how I looked.  I was looking in the mirror today and I noticed just how fat I have gotten.  The problem is it's all in my stomach area, my problem area.  The area that has always made me self conscious and just ugly.  The area that at one time was so tiny and small, but now is just feeling large and bloated.

Like every woman on the planet (with some exceptions) I get a period once a month.  Well this month my period is late.  Almost 3 weeks late.  It's very unusual, and at first I was happy, because it meant I had a couple of more days to not worry about it. Well after the first week I really just felt depressed.  As most woman, I get PMS.  Well my normal PMS is weight gain, bloating, all that good stuff.  Well, it's like 89320840923840 times worse this time around.  I feel so fat….and honestly it's making me hate my body more and more.  I'm so embarrassed to be naked around Jim.  He says I'm beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, hot, wonderful, but I hate how I look naked.  I felt so much better when I was skinnier.  When I was smaller.  When I was closer to the low 90s rather than the 100s.  And I'm not pregnant, 3 pregnancy tests have confirmed that.

Everyday I step onto the scale to see 100 lbs flash, I cry at how disgusting I feel.  One of the biggest issues with my PMS is that I get the worst hunger cravings.  And most of the time I give into them.  So I feel like a bloated hippo.  And I'm sure I look disgusting as well.  It makes me wonder how a guy like Jim can date me.  It's not like he's the most handsome guy in the world, but you'd think that the way I look it would turn him off.

It's really hard trying to stay on track, and not just giving into temptation.  somedays I think it would be so easy to just stop eating as much and just go to that extreme.  And other days I think why not eat lots of food and just throw it back up.  I know my mind's warped to be thinking like that.  But it never went away.  It's always been there.  While I'm not a bipolar person nor do I know any bipolar people in real life sometimes I feel like I have a split personality, there are some days I'm perfectly happy in my life and just okay, and other days where I'm so down on myself I just hate it.  It's been 80 days since I last purged.  Coincidentally the same amount I've known Jim.  But there are times that no matter what mood in Im in, the urge to binge and purge resides so heavily in my thoughts.

I don't want to see someone professional, and I don't really have someone to talk to about it.  I know it's lame to write about this stuff on a website, but sometimes it's all I have.

Love You Like a Love Song

Yep, Selena Gomez, that song has driven me nuts at work, but I'm at the point right now where nothing can bother me.  You may ask why?  Well a lot has changed in a month.  And when I say a lot, I mean A LOT.

It's been over a month, a month since I last purged. I haven't thought about purging since I had that slip up.

I started dating a new guy as well.  His name for the purposes of this blog is Jim.  He's a great guy, and unlike Joe, is much better suited for me.  I've been able to tell him anything something I thought I would never be able to find after Joe.  Which I think it is the reason I tried so hard for us to stay together even though we were much better suited to be friends.  You know that saying "I think part of the reason we hold on to something so tight is because we fear something so great won't happen twice."  Well it applied to me and Joe, I thought I would never find another great relationship and tried to force something that wasn't there anymore.  Joe and I will always love each other, but we were meant to fall in love, but not be together.

This new guy, Jim, is great, I can tell him anything without having to be worried about being judged.  Jim not only likes me for who I am, but he makes me laugh.  He's different from any guy I've ever dated, and honestly he's not really my type, but something about him just attracts me to him.  He's the sweetest person.  I told him about my struggles with eating disorders, and he supports me completely.  It's hard to believe that only four months ago I was struggling with finding myself, what I wanted, and trying to not destroy the one body that was given to me.

Today, I am about 95 lbs, I don't vary too much from that weight, and for once that I can remember, the weight I see on the scale doesn't bother me.  I'm finally comfortable with my weight, not I would like to tone up some more, but for once I'm not struggling with my body image.  I have a guy who loves the way I look and doesn't judge me.  I actually like being around this weight.

I believe everything happens for a reason, and that there was a reason that Joe and I didn't work out, it was because I was meant to meet this new guy and he was meant to bring something into my life Joe never could.  

I'm in a better place than I was four months ago.  I hope that next month I can still say the same thing.  It hasn't been an easy recovery process, but each day it gets better and easier.  But I realize something, recovery isn't something that just happens.  You have to work for it, and work on trying to get better.  I don't think that I would have been able to reach this place without really trying to fix myself and fix what I had done to myself.

Distraught

I know it's been awhile since I've written, but a lot has happened in my life.  Left my old job.  Got a great new job, my relationship with my boyfriend has solidified and we're back to normal.  But the pressure to remain normal has been hard.  The urge to binge never left, I was just able to control it.  I haven't been eating as well as I was the last time I wrote.  I've been eating high sodium foods, and indulging in food too high in fat (like peanut butter, which one serving a day isn't bad, but sometimes I eat more than that).  And I've noticed the weight gain.  I know it's within a healthy range, but I still feel fat and ugly.  I know that I'm not, but the sight I see in the mirror isn't the one I want to see.  I just wish I was skinnier, taller.  I know it's stupid to be wishing on something that I can't change and that when I was skinny, I was killing myself, losing my hair, just everything was slowly falling apart.

Now today, I'm back up to 93-95 lbs (it varies day to day from water retention and how much sodium I've eaten during that day) from 85 lbs.  I've been strength training frequently, meaning I've gained more muscle mass and put on some weight.  I know that I've easily gained at least 2-5 lbs (my leg measurements have gotten larger and my arm measurements and I have more muscle tone).  My waist measurement has remained the same, so I know that I'm not gaining fat back, but I feel fat.  I can't help it.  I want to be fit, not fat, I want to be fit not skinny, but I just wish I could get out of the mindset of feeling fat.

Last week, I binged and then purged an entire container of nutella.  Yes, 2000 calories.  I was so upset about it, that I purged.  It was the first time in 40 days.  I'm so upset at myself.  It's been about a week since then.  I've tried to keep my fat low, but I can't help it.  I eat candy and I indulge in it too much.  Sometimes I eat the upwards of 100 g of fat, some of it's the healthy fat, the other is bad fat, candy, junk food.  I try so hard, but the urge to binge is still so strong.

18 days

It's been so many days since I last binged/purged that I've forgotten how many days it's been.  I had to look it up.  It's been 18 days.  Over half a month.  I never thought that I would come this far.  I never thought I would have the will power either.

I know that I have gotten better.  I'm not recovered by any means.  But it's not nearly as bad as it was.  I still have anorexic tendencies, when I work out on the treadmill I say I'll workout for a half hour, but then sometimes I look at how many calories I'm burning then I want to get to a certain number.  The thing is, I enjoy working out.  I don't workout to burn off calories, I do it because I want to get back into shape and to tone my body.  Something that wasn't happening when I was starving myself.

I dropped down to 85 lbs in December.  I bounced up to 95 in January, because of all the binging I was doing.  Well on January 17th, I began eating healthy and that 5 lbs was water weight from all of the bad food I was eating so much of.  But the thing is, my weight doesn't determine who I am anymore.  It doesn't make me happy or sad.  It make me proud.  Proud of the fact that I haven't lost anymore weight.  Proud of the fact that I don't want to lose anymore weight.  Proud of the fact that I'm okay with gaining weight (as long as it's muscle mass from my strength training.)

The thing is now that I am strength training and getting back in better shape than I was before I still have the same size waist, and other measurements that I had before when I was starving myself.  And I've really realized something.  Eating healthy, working out regularly has made me a happier person.  I feel better about myself.  

In fact, there is a box in my living room filled with all of my binge foods.  when I had first my attempt to stop binging I had asked Joe to hide the box. He did so.  Well a week ago, I had asked him to take it down.  It's in my living room just sitting there.  I haven't touched it.  I don't want to eat any of the food in there.  I don't crave it either.  I don't want the food in there because I know it's not healthy and it's not the food that I want either.  I know that while I am better, I won't be recovered for a long time.  The physical scars are still there, but the mental scars will be there forever.

Bulletproof

It's taken a while since I've come to this place.  It wasn't an easy journey.  There was a time that I didn't think I would make it.  But I did.  I don't want to say that I defeated my eating disorder because I don't think you ever really do, but for now anorexia and bulimia are no longer ever present in my mind.

When I first started writing this blog I was in the beginning stages of anorexia.  Midway through writing this blog, I was a full on bulimic.  Now?

Now it's been 9 days.  9 days since I last binged and purged.  The longest to date so far that I have been binge/purge free.  That doesn't mean I haven't thought about it, but I haven't done it either.  With will power and determination I have not purged, and every day that I wake up, I'm happier than the day before because I didn't purge.  Sure I still wake up and weigh myself daily, but unlike before, it doesn't rule my life anymore.

In October 2012, I weighed 103 lbs and I didn't care about my weight and what I ate.  It wasn't until I got sick that I started caring about my weight and it started this cycle.  My weight determined my mood level and how I felt about myself.  In November I started at 98 lbs and by December I dropped all the way to 85 lbs.  I lost 13 lbs in one month and 18 lbs in total.

It wasn't until January that I truly, I mean honestly realized what I was doing to myself.  I had noticed the beginnings of hair loss in December, and while it did bother me, I had my epiphany in January.  

I woke up one day and realized I was killing myself.  The weight I was losing wasn't fat, it was muscle.  I was losing myself.  I'm still in the healing process, and it will be a long time before I am fully healed, both mentally, physically and emotionally, but I'm hopeful that one day I will be healed completely.

Nowadays, I'm more focused on what I eat, and how I'm eating.  I eat healthy and I mean really healthy (fruits, vegetables every single day, up to 5 - no more white bread, refined food, processed food, etc.  Almost all of my food is fresh with the exception of fish).  I also eat snack sized meals now, so it means I eat up to 6 times a day since I also eat about every 2-3 hours (but it's healthy).  I'm slowly gaining a normal relationship with food again, I do still restrict certain foods, such as chips, fast food, processed foods, etc, but I allow myself to eat a cookie every once in a while and not feel guilty.  I still exercise daily, sometimes up to three times a day (I am including strength/weight training as exercising), but unlike before I'm not exercising to burn calories.  I actually really  do enjoy it and I feel so accomplished at the end of the day.  I used to think that being skinny was attractive, and all of the bones showing was attractive.  But it's not.  And that was a part of my epiphany.  Now I'm starting to get toned and gain the muscle mass that I had back in high school when I was actively running every day.  I'm actually starting to get abs.  can you believe that?  I feel stronger, better about myself and honestly better mentally as well.

Remember when I stated these were some of the symptoms I was experiencing from anorexia?

-Weakness
-Loss of coordination
-Insomnia
-Tiring more easily
-Always cold
-Constipation
-Visible veins (well now my veins are more prominent because I've gotten much more toned)

I don't suffer from them anymore.  My body has gotten so much stronger and from what I can tell healthier.  I'm still dealing with the after effects of the eating disorder such as hair loss (that'll probably take several months to fully sort itself out), but for the most part they're gone.

I don't think I would have reached this place without the help of Joe.  I told Joe that I was struggling with bulimia in the beginning of January and I think that's what's helped me want to get better.  With his support and help I am a happier person.  And I've realized something, that it is not my weight that should determine my happiness, but what I have in life.  I have a wonderful boyfriend, a wonderful mom and family that truly care and love me.  I'll be graduating from college soon, and I guess you could say that my life is perfect now that I'm getting better.  That's something I couldn't see when I was suffering from anorexia and bulimia.  I let it control my life.  Anorexia and bulimia don't control my life, and I can honestly say that I'm happy about my weight.

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose, fire away, fire away.

All The Way

I've decided that I am going to stop being bulimic.  I know that I can't just turn the switch off like that, but I was looking at myself in the mirror and I look disgusting.  I hate how I look now.  I know that Joe thinks it's fine, but he's just saying that.  It would be rude to tell me that I was fat.  

I can see where I've gained the weight back.  In my stomach, my butt, my shoulders, the fat is starting to cover up the bones that were protruding from my shoulders, my collar bone is slowly being swallowed up by fat again.  The ribs that use to effortless be prominent are sinking into fat again.  My legs still don't touch (thank god for that), but other than that I look fat, bloated, disgusting, ugly.  My face is also starting to fill out again in the fat look, and not nearly as angular as I would like.  In the beginning of December I had reached 88 lbs.  I am now currently around 92 lbs.  I do usually get up to 94-95 lbs in the day from what I've binged on and can't get rid of.  I feel so set back.  I'm near the weight I was in the beginning of November which was around 94-95 lbs.  I lost weight so quickly throughout the month of December, and I know that I can do it again.  It's just that I've been binging and purging too much lately.  I can't help it with the food that I want, most of it's been carb related: tortillas and bread.  However, I still crave fat greasy food, like fries, pizza, cheese, popeyes chicken.  And then there's the ice cream, if I could I would eat an entire 1/2 gallon.  And all of that food that I've mentioned is filled with FAT.  Something that I've been gaining back. I purge because I don't want to gain weight, but in reality, I'm gaining more and more weight because of my binging.  It's making me look like a tub of lard and just disgusting.  I feel fat.  I work out at least twice if not three times a day, but I cannot burn off enough calories that I've binged on.  And that has to stop here.

I want to get back to the weight I was which was around 87 lbs, where I felt happiest.  And the thing was even though I was that skinny, I can be that weight and still be healthy.  My body can do it, and I know it can.  And last time I wasn't even working out and I was losing that weight.  This time with the combined effort of eating smarter, and less, and working out I'll lose the weight.  I'll be smart about it this time.  Only eating low cal healthy foods like watermelon, spinach, lettuce, etc. And of course water.

So once again:

Goal weight: 85-87 lbs
Goal waist: 21 inches (something I never achieved)
Goal BMI: 17%

Current weight: 94 lbs (at the end of a day)
Current waist: 23.5 inches
Current BMI: 18.9% (Disgusting)

I do realize that some of the weight is period weight, I can tell that my period is coming up, but hasn't actually shown up because of the stress.  And it's killing me because it's making me feel so bloated especially in my boobs and my stomach.  I'm hoping when I start losing the weight again I'll lose the water weight that refuses to go away will actually go away.  It would be so nice and would make me feel better.

November 5th, I  was at the weight I am now I was then, so I'm about two months behind.  In November I was losing weight every single day.  So I know that I can do it, I just have to get the binging in control and that won't be easy, but seeing how fat I am now, I should be able to do it.  Because unlike last time, I want to be skinny so I can run better.  I can't run when I start getting heavier because of the pressure on my chest.  And I will tell myself I can do it.

All Too Well

I said earlier that I wanted to start purging and get better.

I lied. I do want to stop purging.  That's the truth.  But I don't want to gain the weight back.  I like how my legs don't touch when I walk, that I can feel my shoulder blades, my collar bone.  I can't help it.

In October 2012, I was 103 lbs.  I felt so heavy, fat, over weight, and disgusting.  Joe loved me though, he thought I looked fine.  But I didn't love myself.  I hated how I looked naked.  I refused to weigh myself or look in the mirror because I was so upset about my body, hence the reason I was so heavy, I didn't watch my weight or what I ate.

There was a time that I was about 103 lbs during track and cross country.  I know that during that time I was running actively it was muscle mass because throughout these activities we had physicals and for every physical they mentioned my body fat ratio (or whatever they called) was 16-17%.  However, I stopped running once I entered college, got too busy, and I also became very comfortable in my relationship, so I did lose weight because I was losing the muscle mass.  I dropped down to 98 lbs, but then slowly enough I was gaining weight and this time around it was just fat.

I hated how I looked and how I felt.  Clothes were getting tight, and half of the things that I wanted to wear.  I wanted to lose weight but didn't want to put the effort  in doing so.

However, during October, I got sick with an illness.  I've mentioned it before in this blog.  The doctors still don't know what caused it or what made it worse or better.  since at times the medication prescribed made me sicker.  There were times during this period I would vomit up to 4 times a day (hence the reason that the purging started happening).  I also had a lack of appetite, and it helped with dropping the lbs quickly.  Very quickly, I was losing a lb or two a week.

When I saw the doctor for something else, I realized that in two weeks I had lost 5 lbs.  I can say that while I was indeed dealing with an illness, I can't say how much was actual illness weight loss and how much was actual deliberate weight loss.

As I lost the weight, more and more clothes started fitting again, but quite a few of my favorite dresses were no longer fitting because I was losing the fat in my hips and the curves.  When I first started losing it, it didn't matter, but now I see that I don't have the curves I once did.  And sometimes I feel like a look like a child, but I still have the body parts of a woman.  I've never been tall, so some of the weight loss was okay because being curvier at my height looked odd.  The weight loss did help reduce the site of cellulite which I had developed over the years, nothing major, but enough to make me uncomfortable about my body.

Throughout the months of October, November, and the beginning of December I dealt with the illness, and combined with my deliberate efforts to lose weight I lost about 18.5 lbs.

It was easy to keep the weight off at first, but throughout December, I began the bad habit of binging and purging more often and slowly I gained more and more weight and am now struggling around 90-91 lbs.  It still hasn't made too much of a difference but it still bothers me because I don't know how much is fat gain back and how much is muscle mass.  There have been a couple of days that I've eaten up to 1600 calories a day.  (A normal calorie range limit for me at one time) but way too much now.

I'm disappointed in myself for letting it get so far.  One for letting this eating disorder consume my life, and the other for wanting to become so skinny.  I can't have a normal relationship with food anymore.  I work out all of the time.  I count calories. I'm obsessed with weight loss and not being fat.  The thing is, part of me doesn't want to become extra skinny, hence the weight gain.  I don't want to be the weight I was, that's a definite.  But I'm realizing more and more that it's not just a thing, it's become a part of me.  Mentally, I want to be thinner.  It doesn't matter what cost.  It's become a mindset.  The other day I was calculating calories and how many I could eat and then how many I would have to work off.  

I've been given one body, and my mindset is letting me destroy this body without any care.  It's sad.  I should be happy, I'm young, I'm in college, I'll be graduating this may.  It should be a happy time for me, but all I can focus on is calories burned.  Calories burned.  Calories burned.  

I've been given a second chance in my relationship with Joe.  We got back together, and while he doesn't realize that I have an eating disorder, he's the one that's making me want to get better.  He is the rock that I need.  I don't want to get outside help, because I know they will make me gain the weight up to 103 lbs, but I don't think I can do this alone.  

If there is someone out there that is trying to recover as well, please contact me.  I would love nothing more than to fully defeat this and live my life again.

Trecherous

This year, my only resolution is to stop purging.  I know for a fact that this is a resolution that will not only be hard to actually follow through with, but the one that I really need to complete.  The others don't matter.

I purged four times yesterday.  I know that could qualify me as bulimic.  I couldn't help it.  The thing is, saying that I'm going to quit and actually doing it - is difficult.  It's damn near impossible.  I didn't realize that anorexia would have such a strong hold on me, and how it would become reflex to purge.  I naively believed that I was in control.  

My throat is killing me from purging so much.  and I can tell that my cheeks are slowly becoming swollen from the times that I've purged in the past couple of weeks.  I know that I'm destroying my teeth, my esophagus and probably parts of my stomach from forcing the food to come back up.  I tell myself I won't today.  But somehow I manage to do it again and again, and again.

But it's the new year and I'm going to try emphasis on try to not do it anymore.  I did start today when I went out and ate some food.  I went back home and I started to purge, but it was almost as if my body was reminding me of the promise I made and I stopped.  It also helped the fact that my throat is killing me and my body is tired from the throwing up.

I've had to stop pinning food pins on pinterest to try to stop the wanting to eat food.  I run all of the time too.  I know that I'm running my body into the ground with the purging, the restricting and now the over exercise.  The thing is I'm still gaining weight.  And it's killing me.  This mindset that I've developed is what is keeping the desire to purge alive.  Because I know that when I restricted and purged that I was losing weight.  But when it's one or the other it's almost a stand still with the weight loss.  The problem is that I see myself and I'm not happy with myself at all.

I hate how my body looks.  I've lost the weight in my arms and my legs are now toned, but my stomach is a disaster.  No matter what I do I can't seem to tone it and I hate that.  I think that is one of the things that controls the need to purge and restrict as well because I can't seem to make myself look perfect.  I know that people aren't perfect but in my mind I want to be perfect.  that's the mindset, that there is this intense desire to be perfect.

So to all of you people wanting to be anorexic or bulimic, it's not pretty.  Your goal in life should not be to be that.  Because both of them can be deadly diseases.  It's not something to aspire to have either.  I wish I could have a normal relationship with food again.  where I didn't worry about what I was eating and the calories in it.  And I didn't worry about my body image.  That's what anorexia/bulimia does.  It destroys your body image, your perception of others, and mainly your relationship with food.  It's not all it's cracked up to be.

The Climb

*This is detailing from the week of Friday December 21st  - Saturday December 28th.*
[And in this week, Joe and I officially got back together - something that did help with the weight gain because I was so happy and I ate.]

The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem - I've done that, admittedly it took the hair loss for me to see that I had a problem.  It hasn't been easy - I see myself gaining the weight back.  It kills me.  I can't stand feeling fat and bloated.  I don't feel pretty either (my period is coming up so that doesn't help either).

I started this past week at 87 lbs.  I am now about 91-92 lbs.  So I've gained about 4.5 lbs and while to most people that's nothing, to me it's everything - it means I'm weak and not strong anymore.  That my resolve isn't as strong as I thought it was.
This past week that I promised to try to gain some weight back healthily, Joe's friends came into town.  Where they come from their food is terrible, so that means that they want to eat out every single night and what did that mean for me? I ate every single night - fattening and terrible food.
I didn't want them to realize that the main reason I had lost weight was because I had been restricting and purging.

But while eating every single night, that meant I was purging up to three times a day.  Most of the time it was twice only, but there were days I had to purge three times to make sure everything came back up.

And the problem with purging, is that you can't get it all back out.  Some of those calories stay, and that's what caused me to gain the weight back so easily.  I calorie count daily, and while I was still eating below the amount recommended (1200 calories) most days, one day I did eat about 1500 calories.  I gained the weight because it was more than I had been eating. These people have known me for four years, and in those four years they've never seen me restrict or have any body issues because they see the person that I project.  And for a time in those four years, my weight wasn't an issue.

My relationship with food was normal - I ate whatever I wanted in front of them and didn't worry.  Because when we met back in 2008, I just gotten over my recent purging episode because I started dating Joe June 2008 and he helped me work through that.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed eating the food, but the guilt that I felt after I hated it.  I felt so bad, I had to get rid of the food.  I felt so bloated.  And purging actually only makes you feel more bloated…so this week has been a bad one for me.
Thankfully Joe and I got out of Christmas dinner meaning I wasn't tempted there, but still, I gained weight.  And while I was running today, I felt fine, meaning I'm not heavy per se, but  I feel fat.

Part of me wants me to get better and gain all of the weight again and have a normal relationship with food - where I don't calorie count or worry about the lbs.

The other part of me doesn't want to gain the weight back because I see it as fat - even though to others it's not.  but that's the distorted part of my mind working against me.
The other day Joe told me that he likes me be thinner, but he misses the curves that I had.  He realizes that I'm developing the runner's body and that with that I wont' be as curvy, but
I'll be more toned.

He told me the other day, that he likes the fact that I keep myself in shape (I don't know if he realizes whether or not I'm battling with anorexia) but he doesn't like the fact that he can feel bones when he hugs me around my shoulders.  He mentioned that sometimes he feels like he's going to break me if he hugs me too hard.
When we were spending time with the friends out of town, one of them picked me up and swung me around like a doll.  As he put me down he told me that I felt like nothing - but then again this guy was easily 200 lbs, so I suppose 87-90 lbs is nothing to him.
Joe told me that this is the thinnest I've ever been in our relationship.  I know that part of him misses when I was curvier, but he accepts that I want to be a runner, I do really like running.  As a child I was told I wouldn't be able to run like the other kids because I was too small so I ran to prove all those people wrong.

~~~

So I started writing this yesterday, but am continuing to write it today.
Today I ran over 14 miles.  I ran so much because I didn't run yesterday and I ate bad food yesterday and I didn't purge. I felt guilty about it.  So guilty.  Part of it was eating me alive just knowing that I didn't exercise and the fact that I ate bad food.
And I just can't help it.  I know that period bloat is not helping either.  I know that the mindset I have now is making me feel fat whenever other people see me they see a skinny person. But all I see is a person who could lose some more weight.

And when I see those numbers on the scale it makes me cry because I do feel fat.

I know that this is a hard fight and I hope that one day I'll be fine with my weight, and not feel guilty after I eat.  I don't want to purge anymore.  That's something I can do if I run every single day.  But I don't know if I can stop feeling guilty, but it's a journey.

And in life, it's not about the destination but the journey.

State of Grace

I ran 12.5 miles yesterday and told myself because I ran so much that I wouldn't purge.  I did.

Joe and I went to Nacho Mama's, and I ate too much.  At first I rationalized saying I did work out that much so it was okay.  But naturally, I felt guilty.  Too guilty.  And I ended up purging that night, I couldn't get everything out but most of it did come back out.

I ate guacamole and chips, southwest egg rolls, and then a fajita.  I barely made it through the fajita before having the need to purge.  It was so intense, I felt that my stomach was going to explode from the food.  I don't want to think of the calories I ate.  While I know that most of them came back out not enough did.

I know that this journey will be hard to actually make it through.  I don't want to die, but I know that I'm killing myself.  This is the hardest journey I've taken on in my life.  I've probably messed up my stomach from the yo yo eating and purging.  I know that I will never have a normal relationship with food again.  Most of the time, I can't have a normal relationship with food because I either eat too much or not enough.

I over exercised as well.  Today I was extremely sore and I was hurting the entire time I ran.  My muscles wanted me to stop go back home, but my brain was telling me no.  It didn't matter, I wanted to burn the calories off. So I ran.  I ran 7.45 miles.  More than I needed to, more than my body could take towards the end.  Anorexia is a battle that suddenly I'm afraid that I wont' beat.  I want to beat it, but subconsciously I don't.  My conscious effort is weaker than my subconscious.  I'd rather not bring in any doctors or go to a facility. I tell myself I can handle it, but I'm seeing that I really can't.  And that it's unrealistic to fully beat this by myself.  I've started the first step by realizing I have a problem, but I don't know if I can complete the rest without help.  But the thing is, I don't' want professional help, I don't want to be in a facility.  They terrify me honestly.

I don't know how to tell people in my life without them treating me differently or just acting oddly around me.  I just want things to go back to the way they were.  I don't want to have to work at getting better.  I just want to be better.


On the Road

I didn't realize that when I started seriously becoming anorexic all of the effects it would have.  But I don't think anyone truly does.

-Weakness
-Loss of coordination (fading)
-insomnia (fading)
-Tiring more easily
-Always cold
-Acne (fading slightly as my period approaches)
-Constipation (fading)
-Visible veins
-Under eye bags

Well let's add on a couple of more:

-Hair loss.
-And loss of a sex drive (yeah really personal)

But none of that matters, it was the hair loss that made me finally realize.  The other day I was pulling my hair up into a pony tail and for the first time I wasn't in a rush.  So I was naturally taking my time, and that's when I saw it.  On the right side, my hair line was receding more.  I'm a female by the way, so naturally I'm going to be a little vain when it comes to my hair.  At my age and with my family history, hair loss should not be happening.  I haven't been washing my hair as often as I used to either, which is another way I would've been able to tell the hair loss was happening faster.  Before I started suffering from anorexia I did my hair every single without fail.  Whether it was straightened or curled, something was done to it.  Well only recently I stop straightening it every day.  And I've been pulling it up in a bun most days.  But because I had time today, I decided to straighten it, and it actually made me really upset straightening my hair and seeing where it had become thinner.  They say it takes about a month for your hair to react to whatever has happened to your body.  So I'm experiencing November's lack of proper eating.  And in January I'll experience December's.  My weight has become such a priority and not my hair.

it was the hair.  The hair loss made me realize what I've been doing for the past couple of months, what I've really been doing, that I'm slowly killing myselfDestroying the one body I was given for life.  It's hard though, it's hard to see the damages, but it's also hard to stop those urges to be skinny and not care what it does to my body.

I have a disease.  I know it now.  Anorexia is not just a disorder, it's a disease.  Despite what doctors say, or people say.  Anorexia is a disease.  It infects you, your thoughts, your personality, your attitude, but mainly your life.  It's small at first, manageable, but soon it becomes out of control and consumes your every thought and your mind.  I wanted to be skinny no matter what, if that meant starvation, over exercise, purging, it didn't matter.  Skinny was my goal.

In three months, I've lost the person that I was.  The person that had life, had a good relationship with food, a wonderful boyfriend, a social life, and honestly just a happier disposition.

Well, look at me now: pining over said boyfriend (since if you read my last post, I don't know what we are - and we also live together), I've been so focused on my weight loss, I don't really have a social life either.  I've become less patient, more moody and more despondent whenever I don't see the weight I want to see on the scale.  This is anorexia at it's worst for me.  I'm becoming a mere ghost of who I was.  I see that what it is doing to my personality, my body and mainly my health is terrible.

So I guess this post is just a post saying:

I want to be on the road to recovery.  I want to recover.  I want a normal relationship with food again.  I want to be able to look at my body and be okay with it.  I want to get better.  I want to eat food and not feel guilty for eating it.  Not purging to get rid of the food.  I want to exercise because I enjoy it (which for the most I do) and because I want to stay in shape not because I'm terrified of the weight gain.

I want to beat anorexia, and I want Ana out of my life for good.  I want to be the happy person I was, and I want to be the person that doesn't need to worry about food.  Someone who can be happy to be happy without needing a scale.

I want to recover.

anorexia

Anorexia.
Before October it was just a word.
Something that I thought would never affect me - or so I foolishly thought.
There was a time that I didn't know what anorexia was - what it truly meant to be one.
But now it consumes my life.
Every single aspect.
Every day.

Every thought it devoted to something around anorexia.

I will not and cannot eat anything until I know how much I'll have to do burn it off.  I try to burn twice as many calories as I eat.  And while I am getting weaker, I've decided weakness only happens when you let it affect you.  Today I ran up and down the stairs at work for 20 minutes, working up a sweat.  And while it wasn't as many as I would have liked, I knew that I was burning off calories.  Today somewhere commented that it looked like I had lost weight.  I was so proud of the fact that she had noticed, I had to stop myself from bragging.  I told her really?  I didn't really notice too much.  She commented that my face looked much thinner than it had been for a while.  It does look more angular as I look in the mirror.  I did mention that I was exercising as well, and she kind of admonished me for it, which kind of annoyed me.  So I want to exercise and not eat.  It's not a big deal.  I am still fit to do so.  Right now I'm training for the CCC, and I don't care if it kills me to run it, but come this March, I'm running in that race.  I see myself getting thinner everyday.  But as I get thinner, I also get more toned because I'm working out so often.  I also see that sometimes my weight fluctuates.  I can't tell if it's because I'm working out more and I'm gaining muscle mass or if I'm just getting fat.

I thought that Joe and I had gotten back together, but I was wrong.  It's tearing me apart.  All I want is to be with him.  That's all I want.  My heart is breaking every single timeevery single time.  I should be happy today.  I weighed in at 85.4 lbs and my quads have gotten smaller from the working out.  They are now 15 from 16 inches.  I've been working on my quads for the past week.  And it's showing, I've lost an inch on both sides.  My legs look so much better now.  But I'm still so unhappy.  I'm depressed.  I feel like I have no control over my life, and losing weight and working out constantly is something I do have control over.  I've also picked up purging again.  With Jeremy completely out of my life, I feel like I have no true support system.  I can't help but to purge.  I get hungry and then I eat.  Then it has to come back out.  When I was seeing Jeremy I didn't want to purge because I didn't want to.  Without even knowing it, Jeremy was helping me.  But I'm so in love with Joe still that I couldn't see the benefits that Jeremy held because a part of me was scared.  But a bigger part of me didn't want to start over again.  Joe was/is familiar.  Joe is someone I know.  Jeremy  I would have to learn everything again.  He wanted to know me.  He was willing to try.  And I threw it away.  For something that I thought would work.  And now I'm seeing the mistake I made not only in going back to what I knew, but to also allowing my purging habits to start again.

I tell myself not to purge.   That I wont' today, but then sometimes I purposely eat something, within reason never binging, knowing that I will purge it that night.  In the past week, I've purged probably 4-5 times.  Sometimes it's stress related.  Other times it's because I want to.  The next day that I've purged, I work twice as hard in my work out because I know that most of the calories didn't come back out.  I feel like such a disappointment.  I'm in love with someone who doesn't want me back right now (or so he says), I ruined something with potential with someone else because I wanted my ex back, I can't stop purging, and I'm fat.  It's sad because I'm losing control in my life.  Anorexia is the only thing that I can control.  There was a time that I remember being happy.  Actually truly being happy with my weight, my life, and mostly with Joe.  I don't remember it now.  It seems so long ago.  I can't pretend to be happy anymore.  I can't act like this doesn't bother me.  I'm so in love with someone who can't see it.  Or doesn't care.  Everyone around me is getting married or engaged and here I am doing neither.  I just want to be in a relationship with the guy I'm in love with.  The one that I'm living with like we're dating.  That's all.  I don't think I ask for much in my life at all.  I really don't, but if I do, then I want someone to point it out to me so that I know, because if I'm being ungrateful then I would like to know.  I don't think that I am.  I just want him back.   It's so hard acting like it's okay.  Like this doesn't bother me or something.  My heart is breaking.  And anorexia is slowly but surely taking over everything because it's something that makes me feel happier and makes me feel better about myself.  I know it's stupid.  I can't help it.  This is definitely something I didn't think would take over my life as easily as it did.  but in fact, quite quickly, anorexia is now my life.

Just the Way You Are

"When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change, cause you're amazing just the way you are."

Everyday you say it will be a better day. You say it so much, you start believing it will be. But in the end, it never really is.  And that's the crux of anorexia, there is no winning.  There is no happy day.  I know that as hard as I try nothing will be good enough.  That's something that anorexia does.  You can never have a good day.  It brings you down everyday.

 It starts off as a good day, but ends as a bad day. Today I weighed in at 85.4 lbs, the lightest I can ever remember being.  I don't think I've weighed that light since I was in 6th grade.  When I saw that number on the scale I was ecstatic.  I was even closer to being 84 lbs and it meant that I was disciplined for the most part.  But I know that even though I'm happy in the morning that it wont' last for long.  I know throughout the day, the eating and drinking will bring be back up.  And I'm right, when I get back home I'm weighing in at 86 lbs.  I know that I have self control that would rival most people, but I also have a weakness that seems to be winning quite a bit lately.  Everyday is a battle, a struggle, an interior war against my brain and my stomach.  My brain tells me to not eat unless I want to get fat. My stomach says feed me.  And most of the time my stomach wins out, but usually it's with tea.  Sometimes it's with food, and sometimes I eat a little more than I should.  And then of course I have to work it off, because I can't stand it being there.  I can't stand the fact that I was weak and ate.  Lately I've been going throughout the whole day without eating and then eating something when I get home, but it's hard because with Joe driving me around, I'm more likely to eat something because he wants me to eat something.

For the most part, my motivation is seeing people skinnier than me.  If I see someone who I thought was skinnier than me, and now that I'm skinnier than them it's an accomplishment.  If I see someone skinnier than me, then it's my goal to become skinnier than them.  I know that it's a vicious cycle that I should end, but I don't want to.  I don't want to see myself fat again.  I know that the weight I was too heavy for my body frame.  I naturally have a small bone structure, so the fat that I had was overpowering me.  But being smaller and losing the weight is starting to take it's toll on my body.  I know that it's not good that I'm having trouble at such a young age, but I can't help it.  I don't want to lose the control that I've finally achieved in my life.  For once, this is something that only I can change.

-I'm getting weaker not only in picking things up, but also moving things and just general weakness.
-It's getting harder and harder to keep up with people when working out, I tire out more easily.
-I'm starting to lose some coordination when walking long distances, kind of the same line with the general weakness, sometimes I almost fall over because my body is just tired.
-I'm suffering from insomnia and I'm tired all of the time (lovely combination).
-I have actually been getting some acne, something I rarely ever get.
-I'm always cold. Even in 70 degree weather I can be cold.
-I'm definitely moodier than I was. but I am in finals time as well.
-I'm constipated a lot - even though I do take fiber to help, if I've been tracking right, it's been over a week. I know that's not good either.
-My veins are more prominent then ever.
-The bags under my eyes are becoming more and more noticeable everyday (whether it's from being tired or the weight loss, I'm not sure)

I am realizing more now that my body is suffering for my own vain attempts to be skinnier.  I want to be skinny.  But I don't want to die either.  I don't want to look like the extreme anorexics when you google those images.  That's too much.  I suppose I want the best of both worlds.  I want to be skinny without the side effects of anorexia.  Today was the first day that Joe's taken a picture of me since I really started dealing anorexia and it was then I noticed how skinny I've really become.  I suppose looking in a mirror and seeing a picture of myself really is different.  My face has become more angular, it still has its soft shape, but the fat that was all over my face is slowly decreasing.  I mean it's natural to have some fat in the face, and before, I had too much.  I would consider myself still having my baby face.  Most people would tell me to be quiet and that I didn't have a baby face, but I knew I did.  It was obvious from my pictures that my face could stand to lose some weight.  I wouldn't say my face looks gaunt yet.  Something I do want to avoid because then it's more obvious, and it makes me look even more tired.  People tell me I look smaller everyday, but I don't think I've noticed it truly until I looked in the picture of me.  Sure, I look healthy for the most part, I think for people who don't know what I used to look like, I look normal, but for the ones that do, they see it more obviously now then they did.  

Joe is a perfect example.  The one person I've ever truly loved, and the one person that always been there is now back in my life as the one and only person I've ever wanted.  He's the one person that I trust with everything, but I'm not sure I can trust him with this.  We were getting ready to go out to meet some friends for chess.  I didn't realize that he was still in the room while I was changing shirts and usually when I lift my shirt up I naturally suck in a little because of the motion.  Well as I was changing Joe came up behind me and asked if I was purposely sucking in my stomach.  I said yes a bit.  It was then he said that my ribs were sticking out.  He touched them, almost surprised by them and I shrugged it off, purposely now not sucking in my stomach and while the ribs were visible, not painfully so.  I don't know if Joe knows that I have an eating disorder or not, but I think a part of him is starting to suspect strongly.  I did have a health issue in the beginning of October and with everyone I told them that it was temporary and I would eventually gain the weight back.  But with Joe, it's really hard to hide anything with him.  He's seen me eating, so I think it just surprised him that my ribs were still showing.  (I only eat to appease him and to draw suspicion off of myself.)  It's easy telling people I miss eating what I used to eat (terrible food, carbs everywhere, grease, fat, nastiness - I can't believe I let myself eat that), but what's hard is actually acting like I want to gain the weight back.  Because I don't.  I don't want the weight back.  I hate looking fat, and for once I feel skinny.

With Joe, I'm honest and I tell him I don't want to gain the weight back, that it was too much and I was fat.  He's heard about me complain about my weight during our relationship for the past four and half years.  It's never been an issue for him, but I'm sure it bothers him a little bit.  But I think seeing how small I've gotten made him realize that maybe something else is wrong and it's not just some health issue.  There are times that I let phrases I shouldn't' say around him slip like "safe food" or I've become obsessed about how many calories are certain items.  I won't eat anything unless I'm positive on the calorie count.  And if it fits within my calorie limit, I can eat it.  I don't like going out to eat at all, but with Joe, he makes me go out a lot, and I spend so much time seeing if there are any safe foods that I can actually eat and aren't high in calorie.  I know that Joe loves me and that he cares very deeply for me, but I'm afraid once he truly realizes what's wrong he'll make me get help.  Something that I don't want right now.  

I'm perfectly fine with being the way I am.  Well no, not really, I'm fine to the point of not wanting to gain anymore weight which I know a doctor would have me do.  A doctor would say I'm underweight and would make me weigh at least 100 lbs before stating I was healthy again, and at 100 lbs, I'm only 3 lbs off of what I was.  It's too much.  I will try to not go under 80 lbs, because that is too much.  I don't want to be severly underweight.  Underweight is good enough.  I do know that if I get too underweight, it will be obvious to everyone and I don't want or need that happening either.

A Variety of topics

I started writing this post, but then realized that I wanted to talk about so much it would probably be easier to break everything down into sections. So this is what I want to talk about.

I. Accomplishments
II. Goals
III. Karma
IV. Eating
V. Weight


I know it sounds like a lot, but sometimes I get into a strong writing mood.  So if anyone actually reads these, you may want to sit down and take a load off because it is a lot.  But if no one reads this, that's fine too.

I. Accomplishments.

We'll start with the positives in this section.

1. I'm 85 lbs (from 103).
2. When I sit I can feel my spine more now (and when I stand as well).
3. My thighs no longer touch each other when I walk.
4. My collarbone is prominent all the time.
5. My shoulder blades now stick out when I stand, not just when I slouch.
6. My hip bones are prominent.
7. My wrists are tiny and have lost all of the fat so that it's really only the bones

So those are all of my major accomplishments that I can think of.

Honestly, I thought when I reached this weight I'd be really happy.  I thought that being 85 lbs would be great, and that I would be so proud of myself.  I am proud of myself don't get me wrong, but it's not as great as I thought it would be.  It just seems so marginal.  Like it's not that big of a deal that I got to be this small.  I feel like it's not enough weight loss.  I thought I wouldn't have anymore flabby areas, but I still do, and it's digesting. I have to work harder and getting rid of my back fat.  It's disgusting.  Nobody want to see that.  I've been working hard as well.  Working out every single day, sometimes twice that day.  My eating habits may not the best (see below, the last section) that could be affecting my weight as well.

II. Goals

I have quite a few goals now, since I've completed so many already.  These are my new goals.

1. I want my waist to be 20 inches -its 21 inches right now.  Originally it was 25.
2.I already have slight back dimples, but I want them to be more prominent like the models.
3. I want to get rid of my back fat
4. I want my butt to look more toned and less fat.
5. I want everywhere to just look better
6. I no longer have a goal weight since I don't know how much I'll need to lose to have the body I want.

III. Karma

What goes around comes around.  what goes up must come down.  I remember as kid being called fat.  I wasn't exactly fat, but I wasn't as skinny as I could have been.  I was pudgy, healthy child.  There were times as a child that I cried about being so fat. When people would call me fat, I would work out even harder. But I couldn't lose the weight.  I was picked on for most of my life for various reasons.  I have never been truly happy with my body image at all, but as I get skinnier I get happier and feel better about my body image.  I saw someone who when I was younger would call me fat all of the time because she was a stick.  Well now?  She's obese.  No joke, she really was.  She isn't much taller than me, but she looked about 150 lbs…which is huge.  Especially compared to what I look like now.  Karma.

When I see most people today, I only see skinny and fat.  Most people to me are fat.  I know that's judgmental, but I can't help it.  My view has become so distorted.  anybody that s bigger than me, is fatter than me.  Sure they may be in better shape than me, but they're still bigger than me.  And that's how I know that my views have become distorted.  I see people who aren't fat as fat and people who are obviously underweight as perfect.  People rag on Keira Knightly for being too skinny.  she looks fine to me.  I wish that I could be that tall and that skinny.

When people comment that I look good or that I look like I've lost weight, it motivates me to lose even more.  It's a compliment.  I want people to notice that I'm losing weight.  But when people tell me I've lost too much weight that annoys me.  I hate when people say that.  For my height my weight is fine.  It's not light enough actually.  I know for a fact that people who complain about me being too skinny are just jealous of me.  they see that they can't get as small as I do so they see that tearing me down is the best solution.  Which is clearly the wrong choice.  Most of the people who tell me that I've lost too much weight are fat.  See?  Jealousy.  I'm dedicated to not becoming fat.

IV. Eating

Eating is one of the hardest things for me.  I know I need to eat to stay alive.  But I don't want to eat too much and then get fat.  that's disgusting.  But it's hard for me to control sometimes.  I do so good most of the time, and then I have a slip up.  

I'm not purging anymore so those slip ups really matter.  I decided to quit purging after I met Jeremy.  He doesn't know it, but he made me realize how bad it is to purge.  It's bad for your teeth, your throat, and your stomach.  Dentists can also notice it immediately, so I didn't want that either.  It's hard to stick to a certain caloric amount after working out so hard.  I don't like to go over 300 calories a day even if I work out that day because I know that I'll lose my self control if I continually go over 300 calories.

Today I started out with my almond milk which is about 60 calories per cup but I only drank half a cup for my pills.  I then biked for an hour plus some all over the city with Joe.  We went to get something to eat for lunch.  I ate an egg and some toast.  It was barely 90 calories because I hardly ate any bread.  I was proud of myself.  We biked back home, which totaled our time for about 2 hours and some change.  I'm allowed 300 calories a day normally.  So the biking added about 400 to equal 700 calories allowed for the day.  Subtract 130 calories from that from the eating, and then tonight I ate some more food (bad I know), so subtract another 130 from that as well.  So I stayed well with in the limit of my calorie goal, but I still feel bad for eating tonight anyway. I didn't need the food, I wanted it.

It's easily the most challenging thing to do.  To not eat.  Your body tells you to eat because it thinks it's hungry.  Society tell you to eat at certain times because that's what doctors have dictated are the right times to eat (I don't think people actually follow those times).  But then there's me.  I don't like eating at set times.  I eat when I feel hungry.  For most of the time, I don't feel hungry.  It's very slight.  But when I get hungry, I'll eat maybe a 70 calorie meal when I'm at home with all of my safe foods.  It's hard when Joe wants to go out to eat, because I spend more time looking for protein dense foods that are low cal (like boiled shrimp).  There are times that I just want to eat, nothing big, just I want to eat.  And I feel so guilty for it.  Since I'm not purging, I work out twice as hard to make up for eating the food.  I don't deserve to be eating the food.  It's terrible to being eat a lot.  I want to eat once or twice a day with certain protein dense meals so that when I work out, my body uses the protein.

V. Weight

October 2012, I started around 102-103 lbs. (I didn't start really trying to lose weight until Nov)
November 2012, I started around 98 lbs.
December 2012, I started at 88 lbs.

I'm hoping to lose just a little more weight.  I just want to look better.  Feel better about myself.  And I know that's possible if I lose more weight.  I'm not skinny enough.  I'm still fat.  I know that, people are just too nice to tell me that I'm still fat.  I can tell I'm still fat by the back fat I have.  My butt is still jiggly, so I know that I'm fatter than need be.  I just want to look better and feel better about myself.  Is that too much to ask?

Seven Pounds

*This was written on Dec 7th but posted today*
7 days.  For most people today marked Pearl Harbor, marked the end of a week, marked a potential pay day.  But for me, it marked one week since I had last purged.  It's been hard.  Willing myself to not purge everything.  I was so proud of myself.  It's been hard, but meeting Jeremy did help me focus on not wanting to purge.  I hadn't thought of purging too much until today.

I went out to eat.

My first mistake.  My second was going wit Joe.  Currently I don't have my car so I was with him and he was really hungry.  It was around 5:30pm, which is when I eat just a little something to tide me over for the rest of the night.  He chose a restaurant that he knew that I liked from before.  I wasn't able to reject the restaurant because that's where Joe wanted to go.  When we first sat down, I wasn't too worried because I had looked of the safe foods on the calorie counter.  I could eat a salad with only the greens or a soup.  Well, I forgot that a lot of the time Joe likes to order for the both of us because of our similar tastes in our food.  Well…this is where I made my mistake.  Instead of thinking of some lame excuse for why I couldn't eat the stuff he chose (he's vegan, so I couldn't use that excuse).  All of the food was vegan friendly except for the wonton soup.  Since I'm not an actual vegan, I ate it anyway since it was considered a safe food.  When I realized that Joe expected me to eat all of the food, the thought of purging it came into my mind.  So I decided, sure I can eat this and get rid of it when we get home.  I began eating normally, but not too slowly so that it would be easier for everything to come back up.  I wouldn't say that I necessarily binged, but I definitely was not restricting when I was eating.  I ate the wonton soup, a veggie roll and then a good amount of my vermicelli noodles.  I knew that this was all coming back up since it was easy food to purge.  A bit of me was dreading having to purge since I hadn't done it in a while and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to.  I can't say that this was fortunate or unfortunate, but as I was eating the food, my stomach began expanding, but not in the normal "I'm full" it was the painful "I'm full."  I almost didn't make it home, but the moment I did, everything that I had eaten that night came out.  I've never felt so sick before.  I'm starting to think that I'm actually allergic to lactose, and not necessarily intolerant to it.  This purging was not a pretty one, it was terrible, and was a lot.  Most of the food that came back out was not even digested and was formed.  I'm disappointed in myself.  I did feel better getting rid of the food, but I felt bad because I let it happen.  I should have had more self control and restraint when Joe ordered those foods for me.  While I feel better that the food is out, I'm still exhausted from how violent the purging felt on my body.  I suppose as this week has gone by, I've only gotten weaker.  I'm tired of purging, and I hope that tonight is the last time I purge.  It takes so much out of me.  and it makes me cheeks very puffy.  They don't' look puffy right now because of the fact that I hadn't purged for a week.  I was doing so well though.  One whole week!  

As I get closer and closer to my goal weight, I realize it may not enough.  I see so many girls that are taller than me and skinnier than me!  I have to be skinnier than her.  I have to look better than her.  It's not that it's a competition, I just don't want to be fatter than her.  I know I can do better than her.  It's an obsession, I can't help it.  It gets worse everyday.  I want to look the best. I want to be like the victoria secret models.  So I work out all of the time and I eat healthy.  But sometimes it's not enough.  It's never enough.  There are periods throughout the week where it's easy to go through the day with only a bit of water.  Others, I need water and tea.  Sometimes I just need something small to tide me over.  But I just want to be skinnier.  There are times that I feel just not skinny enough.  I workout everyday.  I know that my body is starving, so I eat something everyday, but nothing over 100 calories if I must eat.  I have a 300 calorie limit everyday.  I do jumping jacks everyday, bike when I can, sit ups, or just something that requires working out.  My thighs do not touch anymore, and overall I'gotten thinner, I can tell, but its not enough.  And I know it's the disorder speaking, but I can't help but agree.  It's right.  It's not enough. It will never be enough.  It's easy giving myself goals, and following through, what's hard is the people around me that want to go and do something food related.

I've realized now more than ever, that this eating disorder is taking over my life.  I hate eating out with friends, I avoid places that have food so I won't be tempted.  I consider food only after I've considered the calories, even some of my favorite foods are now in the no pile.  If it's too many calories in one sitting I can't eat it.  For example, no candy, 40 calories for a small piece of candy?  No.  I'm very secretive about my food habits.  I hate whenever anyone watches when I eat.  I only drink water or tea in front of others.  I  disliked going to parties in general because that's whenever everyone would comment I'm eating too much or it would be too crowded, well now it's because I'm not eating anything.  Most of the time I can say because of an allergy.

I pride myself in being so skinny.  I don't want to stop.  It's important to me to be happy with myself, and right now I'm not.  A part of me thinks maybe if I look better, Joe will want me back. I know he hates people not in shape, and the more I work out and get back into shape the more I'll look better for him.  I'm not skinny enough.  I'm just not.  I know because I wouldn't have so much fat everywhere if I actually was.  I measure myself weekly, and weigh myself daily, multiple times a day.  I know I'm losing inches, but sometimes it's not enough.  Joe is starting to notice the weight loss as well.  Some of the clothes that used to fit me perfectly no longer do.  The dresses that I loved wearing now hang in my closet too large to wear.  I don't want to get to the point of completely underweight.  No, but a couple more pounds could be lost.  I know that one day I'll be happy with my body, but not today.

5 Days

Anyone who is on myfitnesspal and would like to add me, my name is PinkCorsage on there as well.

More importantly, today marks the 5th day of not purging.  Honestly, I didn't think I'd make it this far.  I'm surprised I even did.  Each day that I go without purging I give myself a dollar.  And when I get a certain amount I'm going to spend that money on something, I don't know what yet.

The swelling in my cheeks has mostly gone down.  It's hard to tell because when I look at pictures before I started purging they still look thinner, but puffier.  If that even makes sense.  They do look more defined again, and I like that.  People have mentioned that my face looks thinner, and that makes me feel good about myself.  I may have stopped purging, but that doesn't mean I've stopped restricting.  I've just become more strict about what I can and can't eat.

My restrictions are:

No lactose or soy (this was an actual restriction before anorexia)
No beef, pork, chicken (etc - I actually can't beef, because of gastrointestinal problems - essentially I was a pescatarian before this)
No citrus - citric acid (oranges, even gum that is citrus flavored because it will give me canker sores - this is also another restriction before anorexia)
No greasy foods (foods with butter or creamy food, bacon is a really good example, fries).
No foods high in fat (Popeyes, McDonalds all that good stuff).
No foods cooked over a certain temp (so mostly raw foods - such as fruits or vegetables - carrots, broccoli).
Cannot be highly processed (donuts, twinkies, etc.).
Nothing too starchy (pasta, mashed potatoes, etc).
No alcohol
No caffeine and no carbonated beverages (This was another restriction before anorexia, and I haven't had these for over 3 years now).
No spicy foods (this one is hard, but it's doable, but living where I live, spicy food is everywhere).
Nothing too high in sodium (You know those ramen noodles?  Perfect example).

See?  So I may still be eating but with these restrictions it's easier to avoid most foods.  And most everyone accepts it as me just being particular.  Only few people think it may be anorexic like tendencies.  Joe doesn't seem to suspect as much now that I've stopped purging.  My mom doesn't either, but because of the original health issues back in October, it's easy to slot the food restrictions under that.

Restricting is a lot better than purging though, because with purging you risk gaining weight, which is what I was actually doing.  I couldn't lose any weight because of the fact that I was purging so much.  I do have to thank Jeremy for this.  He doesn't know it, but he's the one that made me want to stop purging.  That doesn't mean I dont' want to be fat, but I don't want my teeth to be bad looking either.  I'm eating less than 300 calories a day, and if I go over that, I make sure I work it off by working out twice as hard.  I've lost another half inch off my waist and its now 21 inches!  Only an inch away from my goal waist line.  And 2 lbs away from 85 lbs, my goal weight.  Then I'll be done.  No more weight loss.  Because then people will suspect and then I lose control of everything.

A Small Accomplishment

I woke up this morning knowing that I would be lighter than I had been in the past couple of days.

Why?

Because yesterday was the first day that I went without purging once.  Trust me, I thought about it, but I didn't.  It was a small accomplishment, and that in itself, made me so happy.  I ate carefully yesterday.

I only drank water and tea yesterday.  I did eat some crackers and tuna for lunch/dinner, since it helps me to have some protein to make it through the night without being tempted to eat.  It's hard  though, dealing with this eating disorder.  I can barely remember the time that food didn't consume my life.  I didn't worry about what I ate.  Where I ate freely.  I didn't inspect my body every morning looking for more flaws.  I didn't weigh myself everyday to make sure I had lost weight or at least stayed the same weight.

Since I don't eat that much, I have to take so many 6 different vitamins in the morning - vitamin C, Vitamin B 6 & B 12, multi vitamin, calcium and  fiber.

One thing that I've realized is that there has to be one day where you have a guilt free day.  Not binging, but eat something that is bad and it's easier to make it through the week.  But in this case, I've had to be cautious.  I can't go crazy.  I ate some chips today, nothing else.  But it cost 140 calories.  It was worth it though.  I was able to control just eating that, and nothing else.  Something that I wasn't able to do until today. I was able to put them away instead of eating the entire bag.  I have gained the self control that I thought I had lost.  I've become stronger with my control.

I weighed in at 88.6 lbs, back to the fighting weight.  I hope that tomorrow I'll be even lighter since I won't purge tomorrow either.  Something that I did notice when I was purging multiple times a day was my cheeks were swelling and I was getting the noted chipmunk cheeks.  I think they still look swollen, but Joe doesn't see the difference between the swollen cheeks and my normal cheeks,  I think they are slowly going back down.  But I also think that I want very defined cheeks, I have defined cheek bones, but not really.

When I started writing this particular post, I started writing this in the morning, and it is now 11pm.  I'm so proud of myself.  This is the second day that I have not purged!  I only ate the chips today and drank water and tea the rest of the day.  I did not burn the chips off like I wanted to, however, I plan on biking a lot tomorrow to make up for it.  I wrote a post about Jeremy before this one, and honestly, I'm starting to think the reason we met was because Jeremy will help me get help.  Already I've noticed a difference,  I still obsessive about my weight and continually worried about being fat, but I don't want to purge because of the fear of getting bad teeth, at least with restricting it's not as obvious at first.  I don't think I will beat this disease without medical help, but like last time, it was a person that helped me see me for me, and that I was beautiful inside and out.  I still struggle everyday with my body, I still see a flawed not skinny enough person, but it's not nearly as distorted as it was.

Jeremy

I've always been the shy type.  I'm what most people term as an introvert.  I rarely ever step out of the confines of my own comfort zone.  But something about Jeremy allows me to move out of the comfort zone that I've so carefully constructed for myself.  We met a couple of weeks ago when I was at Walgreens with Joe.  Jeremy and Joe actually went to grade school together.  When I first met Jeremy, I noticed what a nice smile he has, even though he and Joe are the same age, he looks so much younger as if his life hasn't been full of the burdens that Joe has endured.  As I catch Jeremy's eyes in that first meet, his eyes light up.  And that's when I realize I want to get to know Jeremy better.  

I stopped at Walgreens planning on only getting a couple of things, in and out of the store in five minutes.  As I walk into the store I see that Jeremy is working today.  He sees me and his smile makes me smile.  I naturally move towards him to say hello.

He asks how I've been and as I'm answering I catch him giving me the elevator eyes.  I kind of want to chuckle as his cheeks go slightly red.  I like the attention and it makes me feel better about myself knowing that he finds me attractive.  Before we can really talk anymore, a customer comes up to talk to him about where the cigarettes are.  Or so I thought.  When I was in another aisle, Jeremy came and found me and told me the woman asked for money from him.  It is there we talk about the crazy things we've encountered from working in customer service.  As we talk about the previous jobs we've had, he asks about Joe.

I tell him Joe and I met 7 years ago, we dated for 4 of those years, and we're now friends.  Jeremy absorbs this information and I can't tell if he's happy by this or not.  I then attempt to sneakily ask him about his own significant other, but I think he misinterprets the question and replies that his family doesn't mind his late hours, why would they.  The five minutes I planned on staying in the store turned into an hour and in that hour, Jeremy and I have talked about where we grew up, where we went to school, previous jobs, chess, backgammon, and lastly bowling.

He mentions that we should go bowling together since I live near one.  Which leads to the next question, my number.  He states that at his job, they don't like them to have their cell phones on them and they need to check it in when they get to work.  So he pulls out a post it notepad.  I smile as he writes his full name and then his number down.  He then writes my name, and lets me write my number.  As I give him back the pad I look into his eyes, and I realize he's got such kind eyes.  

I don't know where this will lead, if we'll remain just friends, but I like this Jeremy.  He came into my life for a reason.  It is because of him, I am going to try to stop purging.  I'm starting to get the chipmunk cheek, and that's not attractive at all.  I see Jeremy as someone who is completely on the outside of my crazy life.

Maybe Jeremy and I won't be anything but friends, but I enjoy his friendship.  When I'm with him, I don't think about my eating disorder.  I don't worry about how fat I look in the mirror.  I can be myself with him.  Something I never expected to feel again after Joe.  I hardly know Jeremy, but something about him makes me feel like I've known him all of my life.  Maybe it's his personality.  Maybe it's how he smiles, or the way his eyes crinkle, the kindness he has.  I don't know.  But what I do know is that there was a reason we met.

1-20 of 38 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Entering 2014 wondering "Will it ever go away?", posted December 28th, 2013, 1 comment
Graduating and Pregnant, posted May 19th, 2013
Without You, posted May 17th, 2013
Love You Like a Love Song, posted April 3rd, 2013
Distraught, posted March 4th, 2013
18 days, posted February 2nd, 2013
Bulletproof, posted January 24th, 2013
All The Way, posted January 13th, 2013
All Too Well, posted January 4th, 2013
Trecherous, posted January 1st, 2013
The Climb, posted December 29th, 2012
State of Grace, posted December 21st, 2012
On the Road, posted December 21st, 2012, 1 comment
anorexia, posted December 16th, 2012
Just the Way You Are, posted December 12th, 2012
A Variety of topics, posted December 9th, 2012
Seven Pounds, posted December 8th, 2012
5 Days, posted December 4th, 2012
A Small Accomplishment, posted December 1st, 2012
Jeremy, posted November 29th, 2012
The Arrival, posted November 27th, 2012
I Think, Therefore I am, posted November 25th, 2012
Counting Calories, posted November 25th, 2012
When Harry Met Sally, posted November 24th, 2012, 2 comments
Doctor's Office, posted November 23rd, 2012
Doctor's Office, posted November 23rd, 2012
thanksgiving, posted November 23rd, 2012
thanksgiving, posted November 23rd, 2012
thanksgiving, posted November 23rd, 2012
Failure, posted November 22nd, 2012
Popeyes, posted November 21st, 2012
Period, posted November 20th, 2012
11/19/12 Continued, posted November 19th, 2012
11/19/12, posted November 19th, 2012
11/15-11/18, posted November 19th, 2012
11/13/12-11/14/12, posted November 18th, 2012
11/12/12, posted November 18th, 2012
Start of something new, posted November 18th, 2012

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