Start of something new | pinkcorsage's Blog

I tend to write my feelings down in my own journal, and since this is anonymous to a point, I suppose I'll continue it on here.  I know I have a problem.  I can't help it.  It's so hard to stop.  I started writing this particular journal around November, so I'll start posting them delayed, until I catch up. I am not encouraging anyone or telling people that I believe anorexia is a wonderful thing -IT'S NOT.  It's a struggle, and I'm struggling by myself.  this is for me, and anyone else who may feel helpless.

Today was Veterans Day.  I didn't do so well, it's so hard some days.  I drank chocolate milk in the morning as I usually do to help take my pills.  That was okay.  But then I ate some crackers and butter (which is terrible) and then went on to eat some Tostitos chips when I went across the lake to see some family.  On top of that?  I ate some pieces of homemade chicken nuggets, mashed potatoes, and some salad.  I was hungry though so I ate it quickly so that I could purge it.  I went to the bathroom stating I felt like diarrhea was coming on so no would come follow me into the bathroom.  I turned the fan on as a noise cover, mainly to act like I couldn't stand the smell of the supposed diarrhea I had.  I felt so much better after getting the food out of my system.  I get so bloated from eating it's disgusting.  I feel disgusting.

I was looking in the mirror today and noticed that I could see and feel my shoulder blades in the back.  My shoulders have also gotten smaller, there's no more fat on them.  My collar bone is more prominent now.  When Joe* hugged me he really realized how skinny I had gotten.  I haven't been wearing baggy clothes, but he hasn't really seen me without clothes on either so he had no idea how much weight I had really lost.  I've lost a cup size as well, something I didn't expect at all.  I suppose I didn't intend for that, but according to people that I know who are intending to lose weight because they are overweight, they say that it's the fat in the breasts that goes first.  I am weighing in around 92-93 lbs.  I just want to get down to 90 lbs, and I'll be fine.  I'll be perfect.