11/19/12 | pinkcorsage's Blog

Today I weighed in at 90.0 lbs again.  I also decided to stop drinking regular milk.  I'm lactose intolerant and that's probably what's been causing me to bloat so badly the past couple of days.  I love drinking milk, but I've known about being lactose intolerant for four years now and I just ignored it thinking just some gas is okay.  But it's getting worse.  More so than it ever has.  The other day drinking milk made me feel so sick that I thought I was going to die.  Some pepto bismal helped, but still.  I'm now drinking almond milk to help supplement the milk.  It's lower in calorie and it doesn't make me feel so bad.  But drinking anything makes me kind of bloated.  But it's only 60 calories instead of the 122-185 from milk.  Although someone said that almond milk makes your boobs look bigger!  Something I don't want at all.  I hate having big boobs and as they get smaller, I look better because I'm naturally small.

One of the signs of anorexia is that people become less social because they are so concerned about their weight.  I don't think that's the case for me, I still like spending time with friends, I just hate eating with them because then they expect me to eat a lot (something I used to do, but no longer do).  I still do things food related to see how much will power I or don't have, and to weaken the suspicion that I'm sure people have about me.  When I'm at work I never eat something, make a breakfast bar in the middle of the day, and sometimes my office mates will ask me if I'm hungry and I'll claim that I ate before I came into work.  Some people ask me how much I weigh now, and I usually lie saying I don't weigh myself, especially to the people who knew that I struggled with an eating disorder 5 years back.  Whenever people tell me I've gotten skinnier, I tell them I haven't.  And I just look skinnier.  I'm kind of seeing someone and he mentioned that I have no pooch at all, which made me feel elated because I've been fighting my pooch all of my life.  I actually still have one, it's just much smaller than it used to be.

Another thing that I'm beginning to notice is that I'm always cold.  I mean more so than usual.  I've always had trouble being cold, but now it seems I'm cold even when it's hot outside.  I have my personal heater on inside I'm cold.  That's another sign that I'm trying to hid as well.  With friends it's easier but with family, they notice it immediately.  They say "How can you be cold it's like 80 degrees in here!"  I'm always wearing jackets inside because most people like it to be 72 in the house, and that's just too cold for me.  I've started wearing looser clothing as well to hid the fact some my ribs are more prominent and by back bone is more obvious than it used to be.  Not to the point of obvious though.  My dresses are also starting to get loose which is hard for me, because I love wearing dresses and half of them don't fit me anymore.  But I cannot give up being skinnier for some dresses.  I know that something is wrong with me, I know.  I just can't help it.  Being skinny gives me control, having control of something completely is nice.  I am a happy person without the control, but this is something that only I can change.  When I see people bigger than me, I want to help them especially people who want to lose weight.  But I don't want to give myself away either.

This is going to easily be one of the hardest weeks I've had to deal with.  It's Thanksgiving week.  This Thursday I will be surrounded by more food than I could ever eat in a year.  And of course I have a family that LOVES TO EAT, eating is what they do.  I used to be like that too, but being younger and having a faster metabolism it was okay.  But now to think about the fact that I would sit and stuff my face is just repulsive.  Thanksgiving is an excuse to sit and stuff your face and watch football all day.  I am going to two different Thanksgiving dinners so hopefully I can use the "I ate at the other person's house" excuse because I know that with all of the family there I will only get about 5 minutes in the bathroom without being too obvious.  I am guessing that some of the family knows as well but hasn't said anything because they don't want to upset either my mom or me about butting into our business.  

I just hope that I can make it through this week.

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