Failure | pinkcorsage's Blog

There are days I feel like such a failure.  And today was one of them.  Earlier I said that I ate Popeyes and it made me feel so sick.

Joe came home today and wanted to get something to eat and he wanted me to come with him.  I told him I really wasn't hungry, but he wasn't having it.  I'm starting to get a feeling that Joe knows something is up.  We went to a place right by the house.  He ordered something for me, which I did eat completely.  But as soon as we got home, I purged everything.  I ate a sandwich and tater tots.  I shouldn't have eaten the tater tots, they are so processed, and  I felt even worse after eating them.  I purged so heavily that some of the Popeyes came back up.  I've purged three times today.  I feel like such a failure.  I said I wouldn't purge more than once a day, and I did it over twice.  I should have said no to Joe.  I jumped up to 91.8 lbs when I went out with Joe, but the purging brought me back down to 89.2 lbs.  I made sure through out the time I drank water to make it look like I was eating more.  Every single time I purge it makes me more tired, and thirsty.  So I spend the next thirty minutes feeling bad and drinking water filling myself back up again.  It's really hard sometimes to not let food win.

My mom called me today, she kept bothering me about my eating.  "What did you eat today?  Are you still vomiting?  Did you eat enough today?"  She still thinks I'm suffering from an ulcer.  So she thinks the reason why I vomit is because of the ulcer not because I'm so afraid of gaining weight.  She kept telling em that I need to eat more or I'm going to look like a skeleton.  It annoyed me though.  She always tells me what to do, and I feel this loss of control with her.  and suddenly I feel bad about myself.    Like I'm not good enough.  I feel like more of a failure after talking to her.  Like I can't do enough to please her.  I keep trying though.  I don't want her to think of me as a failure so when she asked me if I gained any weight back I told her I was back to 91 lbs, which made her happy, but a part of me died inside for lying to her about it.  I couldn't tell her that the 91 lbs was before I purged and dropped back to 89 lbs.  Sometimes I give her the weight after I've drunk a lot of water.  I'm actually afraid that when I weigh in on Friday it'll show my actual weight to my mom, something I'd rather hide.  I may drink lots of water to disguise the weight loss.  I don't want her to think I'm not trying to get better.. Because I am, I feel better when I'm skinnier.  When I'm not the tub of lard I was.