thanksgiving | pinkcorsage's Blog

I looked in the mirror inspecting myself, looking for the flaws that I knew were there.  I was standing naked in my bathroom waiting for the numbers on the scale to reveal my weight.

89.4 lbs.

Higher than yesterday.  I get off the scale despondent, and tell myself, today I cannot eat anything!  Thanksgiving or not!  I knew that today would be hard, I just didn't realize how hard.  When I went over to my mom's house, I had all of my excuses planned out.

"Oh I started my period, I don't feel well, I ate before I came, I had a big breakfast."  Anything to get me out of eating, but of course, once the food came onto the table, I had to eat some of it.  I ate only the soup, but the moment I finished the soup and crackers, I could feel my stomach gurgling from the food and the pressure that pushing against my abdomen tell me that I had eaten too much.  There was only one way I could get rid of it.  I purged.  I glance in the mirror again, looking at my eyes, they don't look too bad, but I can tell that the stress from purging has made them slightly bloodshot.  One of the tell tale signs that I'm been vomiting.  I rinse my mouth with water and attempt to cool my face down.  My mom doesn't ask questions,  she lets me tell her if anything is wrong.  We spend the next couple of hours talking about random stuff, anything to draw her away from the purging episode I had earlier.

I'm standing next to my cousin watching her load up her entire plate with all of the yummy thanksgiving dinner, and finally I let myself grab a plate and add small amounts of food on it.  I shouldn't have, it was a bad decision.  She even comments on how small of the food I chose.

"You're only eating a small amount of mac-n-cheese and a piece of turkey?"  I lie and tell her that I already before hand and I just want a little snack.  She accepts it as is and walks way.  I inhale the food when no one is looking and immediately I have to go to the bathroom to purge it.  I feel terrible for eating it, for giving in.  I thought I had a better resolve, but it turns out I didn't.  As I stand hunched over the toilet , feeling better that the food wasn't in my stomach anymore.  My stomach slowly returning to it's smaller size.  I told myself, no more.  No more food.  But of course, I didn't listen.  About an hour later, I ate some garlic dip and chips.  After I ate it, I decided that it was time to leave, get away from all of the food that was tempting me.  I actually went to a gas station down the road, and spent about 20 minutes purging all of the garlic dip and the chips.  It's sad that it's come to this.  After I finished I looked in the mirror again.  My eyes were kind of puffy from the vomiting.  I rinse my mouth out before I leave the bathroom and then I buy some gum to cover up the vomit on my breath.

I knew that this holiday would be hard, but I had no idea how hard it truly would be.  A part of me wants to let go and get fat like most of the people around the table  but the bigger part of me is deathly afraid of gaining weight and being that fat person I was.  Being this low in weight makes me feel better about myself and to me I think I look better.  And in the end, that is what keeps me fighting against eating.  I don't want to be that fat girl.  But it's hard.  It's hard to truly look at yourself in the mirror and be happy with yourself.  It's never been easy for me, and I'm sure the other girls suffering anorexia it's not easy for you either.

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