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Doctor's Office | pinkcorsage's Blog


I had to see the doctor today for gastrointestinal issues.  Those issues that I mentioned I suffered from in the beginning of October.  That's what triggered my anorexia again, the constant vomiting and being unable to eat food.  But the doctors, and mainly my mom want to know what caused it, so here I was sitting in yet another doctor's office.  When we first came in, I had to be weighed, and that's when my mom finally heard my actual weight.  I weighed in at 88.8 lbs.  My mom didn't know how much weight I had lost until that minute.  She seemed sad like she didn't know how to help me.  But I was fine.  I want to be that low, whether it's from an actual health issue or anorexia.  The entire time we were at the doctors' she kept asking all of these questions and just annoying me with what she thought I should do.  She even tried to do the doctor's job which almost made me get up and leave the room.  I wanted to say that I was an adult, and she didn't need to be here.  She only came because I let her, not because she was needed.  It's getting harder to distinguish if that's really me talking or Ana talking.  I know that parts of me aren't even me anymore, and that Ana has taken more control of my thoughts and my ideals.

One of the things that the doctor did was to feel my abdomen something that happened with the last doctor, but when he pressed into my upper abdomen I was in such pain.  He was surprised since it had been almost a month since the last time I had that pain.  Even my mother was surprised.  I told her it's been there since October.  Which made the doctor think that there are several ulcers.  I also explained to him that whenever I eat, I feel this intense pressure in my stomach that my stomach is going to explode or something, and the only way I can get rid of it was by vomiting, which is the truth.  I believe it's because Ana doesn't' what it in there, but the doctor believes it's because of the ulcers.  Which means that not only am I dealing with anorexia but another health issue.  The doctor wants an endoscopy, ultrasound on my abdomen and blood work done.  Sounds like a lot right?  Well the blood work was done today, I'm supposed to find out what the results are on Monday.  It's not that I don't want to find out what is wrong with me, but I also don't want the doctors to find out that I am anorexic either.  I know that I can control it.  Even if my thoughts are mostly Ana's.  I'm afraid of what the results may show in the endoscopy and the ultrasound.

when they had to draw my blood they asked me to remove my jacket.  When I removed my jacket, I had to remove another layer (a button up shirt) to reveal a long sleeve shirt under that.  I pulled that sleeve up so that they could easily reach the veins in my right arm.  It was then my mom saw how small my arm really had become.  I've always had small wrists, and petite forearms, but I don't think she expected them to be that small.  I've lost about an inch around my forearm.  To my mom, she sees that I'm suffering from ulcers.  When the doctor found out that I was nearing the 15% of how much body mass I had lost, he was a little more than concerned and prescribed me two different drugs.  One was nexium and the other was Carafate, which helps with ulcers as well.  Apparently it's like a milk like substance.  Nexium helps ulcers and kills the extra stomach acid.  Honestly, I don't want to gain all of my weight back.  But having all of these tests and this attention to me is making me more anxious. being anxious makes me more likely to feel like I've lost control and restrict myself even more.  The Carafate stinks, I can't believe I have to drink that stuff three times a day.  

This health issue that I'm having makes me feel like I'm losing my sense of control over the situation and honestly I just can't stand the loss of control.

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