I Think, Therefore I am | pinkcorsage's Blog

I was doing so well today, so well!!!  And then of course, I started getting a little hungry.  The saints play today too.  Before I started battling with an eating disorder, Joe and I would often go out once a week, on Sunday watch the saints game and eat wherever they had a TV.  Well Joe still likes that tradition.  Me, not so much. But in order to hide the signs of something, I go out with him.  But it's so hard the temptation of not eating something.  But I get hungry.  Especially after today, I exercised for over an hour, only drank almond milk, and some almonds for the ENTIRE day. That's the littlest I've ever eaten this entire journey.  So I suppose that I just over did it, with trying to create a calorie deficit that large.  I wouldn't call what I did tonight binging by any means.  But I ate what some normal people ate.  I ate some guacamole and chips (terrible I know), then I ate some shrimp with lettuce, pico de gall, and cheese.  Bad choice I know, I should have left the cheese out since I'm lactose intolerant.  Even if I wasn't purging later on, that lactose in the cheese would have made sick regardless.  I did not eat the entire meal.  I ate a bit of the chips, and drank lots of water in between that and the regular meal.  When I ate my regular meal I made sure to sip lots of water in between to eat less.  So I ended up eating about 1/4th to 1/2th of the portion.  Which when I was eating normally isn't something I would have done.  I would've eaten the entire meal easily.  I got home and attempted to purge all of it.  I only got through the entire meal of the shrimp and etc, but not the chips and guacamole.  So I'm a little disappointed in myself for letting myself eat after having such a good day.

I'm starting to think that I don't just have anorexia, but I have a combination of anorexia and bulimia, or that I have binge/pinge anorexia.  I've been reading on line about them, and without actually going to a doctor, I can't tell what the heck I have.  I definitely think that I have an eating disorder, I just am wondering what it could be.

Yes, there are times, that I feel out of control around food, hence the reason I restrict so strictly.  Other times I can be around people eating food the entire and be fine.  It's almost like the control I have over food comes and goes right now.  I can't describe it.  There was a time a couple of weeks ago, where I would purposely eat something dense in protein knowing that I would be purging it back up because I would get half of the nutrients from it.  Now, it's getting harder and harder to hide the eating disorder when I get the strongest feeling that he may tell my mom and I don't what that to happen at all.  I'll lose this control that I've been able to have over at least in one aspect in my life.