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A Small Accomplishment | pinkcorsage's Blog


I woke up this morning knowing that I would be lighter than I had been in the past couple of days.

Why?

Because yesterday was the first day that I went without purging once.  Trust me, I thought about it, but I didn't.  It was a small accomplishment, and that in itself, made me so happy.  I ate carefully yesterday.

I only drank water and tea yesterday.  I did eat some crackers and tuna for lunch/dinner, since it helps me to have some protein to make it through the night without being tempted to eat.  It's hard  though, dealing with this eating disorder.  I can barely remember the time that food didn't consume my life.  I didn't worry about what I ate.  Where I ate freely.  I didn't inspect my body every morning looking for more flaws.  I didn't weigh myself everyday to make sure I had lost weight or at least stayed the same weight.

Since I don't eat that much, I have to take so many 6 different vitamins in the morning - vitamin C, Vitamin B 6 & B 12, multi vitamin, calcium and  fiber.

One thing that I've realized is that there has to be one day where you have a guilt free day.  Not binging, but eat something that is bad and it's easier to make it through the week.  But in this case, I've had to be cautious.  I can't go crazy.  I ate some chips today, nothing else.  But it cost 140 calories.  It was worth it though.  I was able to control just eating that, and nothing else.  Something that I wasn't able to do until today. I was able to put them away instead of eating the entire bag.  I have gained the self control that I thought I had lost.  I've become stronger with my control.

I weighed in at 88.6 lbs, back to the fighting weight.  I hope that tomorrow I'll be even lighter since I won't purge tomorrow either.  Something that I did notice when I was purging multiple times a day was my cheeks were swelling and I was getting the noted chipmunk cheeks.  I think they still look swollen, but Joe doesn't see the difference between the swollen cheeks and my normal cheeks,  I think they are slowly going back down.  But I also think that I want very defined cheeks, I have defined cheek bones, but not really.

When I started writing this particular post, I started writing this in the morning, and it is now 11pm.  I'm so proud of myself.  This is the second day that I have not purged!  I only ate the chips today and drank water and tea the rest of the day.  I did not burn the chips off like I wanted to, however, I plan on biking a lot tomorrow to make up for it.  I wrote a post about Jeremy before this one, and honestly, I'm starting to think the reason we met was because Jeremy will help me get help.  Already I've noticed a difference,  I still obsessive about my weight and continually worried about being fat, but I don't want to purge because of the fear of getting bad teeth, at least with restricting it's not as obvious at first.  I don't think I will beat this disease without medical help, but like last time, it was a person that helped me see me for me, and that I was beautiful inside and out.  I still struggle everyday with my body, I still see a flawed not skinny enough person, but it's not nearly as distorted as it was.

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