Seven Pounds | pinkcorsage's Blog

*This was written on Dec 7th but posted today*
7 days.  For most people today marked Pearl Harbor, marked the end of a week, marked a potential pay day.  But for me, it marked one week since I had last purged.  It's been hard.  Willing myself to not purge everything.  I was so proud of myself.  It's been hard, but meeting Jeremy did help me focus on not wanting to purge.  I hadn't thought of purging too much until today.

I went out to eat.

My first mistake.  My second was going wit Joe.  Currently I don't have my car so I was with him and he was really hungry.  It was around 5:30pm, which is when I eat just a little something to tide me over for the rest of the night.  He chose a restaurant that he knew that I liked from before.  I wasn't able to reject the restaurant because that's where Joe wanted to go.  When we first sat down, I wasn't too worried because I had looked of the safe foods on the calorie counter.  I could eat a salad with only the greens or a soup.  Well, I forgot that a lot of the time Joe likes to order for the both of us because of our similar tastes in our food.  Well…this is where I made my mistake.  Instead of thinking of some lame excuse for why I couldn't eat the stuff he chose (he's vegan, so I couldn't use that excuse).  All of the food was vegan friendly except for the wonton soup.  Since I'm not an actual vegan, I ate it anyway since it was considered a safe food.  When I realized that Joe expected me to eat all of the food, the thought of purging it came into my mind.  So I decided, sure I can eat this and get rid of it when we get home.  I began eating normally, but not too slowly so that it would be easier for everything to come back up.  I wouldn't say that I necessarily binged, but I definitely was not restricting when I was eating.  I ate the wonton soup, a veggie roll and then a good amount of my vermicelli noodles.  I knew that this was all coming back up since it was easy food to purge.  A bit of me was dreading having to purge since I hadn't done it in a while and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to.  I can't say that this was fortunate or unfortunate, but as I was eating the food, my stomach began expanding, but not in the normal "I'm full" it was the painful "I'm full."  I almost didn't make it home, but the moment I did, everything that I had eaten that night came out.  I've never felt so sick before.  I'm starting to think that I'm actually allergic to lactose, and not necessarily intolerant to it.  This purging was not a pretty one, it was terrible, and was a lot.  Most of the food that came back out was not even digested and was formed.  I'm disappointed in myself.  I did feel better getting rid of the food, but I felt bad because I let it happen.  I should have had more self control and restraint when Joe ordered those foods for me.  While I feel better that the food is out, I'm still exhausted from how violent the purging felt on my body.  I suppose as this week has gone by, I've only gotten weaker.  I'm tired of purging, and I hope that tonight is the last time I purge.  It takes so much out of me.  and it makes me cheeks very puffy.  They don't' look puffy right now because of the fact that I hadn't purged for a week.  I was doing so well though.  One whole week!  

As I get closer and closer to my goal weight, I realize it may not enough.  I see so many girls that are taller than me and skinnier than me!  I have to be skinnier than her.  I have to look better than her.  It's not that it's a competition, I just don't want to be fatter than her.  I know I can do better than her.  It's an obsession, I can't help it.  It gets worse everyday.  I want to look the best. I want to be like the victoria secret models.  So I work out all of the time and I eat healthy.  But sometimes it's not enough.  It's never enough.  There are periods throughout the week where it's easy to go through the day with only a bit of water.  Others, I need water and tea.  Sometimes I just need something small to tide me over.  But I just want to be skinnier.  There are times that I feel just not skinny enough.  I workout everyday.  I know that my body is starving, so I eat something everyday, but nothing over 100 calories if I must eat.  I have a 300 calorie limit everyday.  I do jumping jacks everyday, bike when I can, sit ups, or just something that requires working out.  My thighs do not touch anymore, and overall I'gotten thinner, I can tell, but its not enough.  And I know it's the disorder speaking, but I can't help but agree.  It's right.  It's not enough. It will never be enough.  It's easy giving myself goals, and following through, what's hard is the people around me that want to go and do something food related.

I've realized now more than ever, that this eating disorder is taking over my life.  I hate eating out with friends, I avoid places that have food so I won't be tempted.  I consider food only after I've considered the calories, even some of my favorite foods are now in the no pile.  If it's too many calories in one sitting I can't eat it.  For example, no candy, 40 calories for a small piece of candy?  No.  I'm very secretive about my food habits.  I hate whenever anyone watches when I eat.  I only drink water or tea in front of others.  I  disliked going to parties in general because that's whenever everyone would comment I'm eating too much or it would be too crowded, well now it's because I'm not eating anything.  Most of the time I can say because of an allergy.

I pride myself in being so skinny.  I don't want to stop.  It's important to me to be happy with myself, and right now I'm not.  A part of me thinks maybe if I look better, Joe will want me back. I know he hates people not in shape, and the more I work out and get back into shape the more I'll look better for him.  I'm not skinny enough.  I'm just not.  I know because I wouldn't have so much fat everywhere if I actually was.  I measure myself weekly, and weigh myself daily, multiple times a day.  I know I'm losing inches, but sometimes it's not enough.  Joe is starting to notice the weight loss as well.  Some of the clothes that used to fit me perfectly no longer do.  The dresses that I loved wearing now hang in my closet too large to wear.  I don't want to get to the point of completely underweight.  No, but a couple more pounds could be lost.  I know that one day I'll be happy with my body, but not today.

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