A Variety of topics | pinkcorsage's Blog

I started writing this post, but then realized that I wanted to talk about so much it would probably be easier to break everything down into sections. So this is what I want to talk about.

I. Accomplishments
II. Goals
III. Karma
IV. Eating
V. Weight

I know it sounds like a lot, but sometimes I get into a strong writing mood.  So if anyone actually reads these, you may want to sit down and take a load off because it is a lot.  But if no one reads this, that's fine too.

I. Accomplishments.

We'll start with the positives in this section.

1. I'm 85 lbs (from 103).
2. When I sit I can feel my spine more now (and when I stand as well).
3. My thighs no longer touch each other when I walk.
4. My collarbone is prominent all the time.
5. My shoulder blades now stick out when I stand, not just when I slouch.
6. My hip bones are prominent.
7. My wrists are tiny and have lost all of the fat so that it's really only the bones

So those are all of my major accomplishments that I can think of.

Honestly, I thought when I reached this weight I'd be really happy.  I thought that being 85 lbs would be great, and that I would be so proud of myself.  I am proud of myself don't get me wrong, but it's not as great as I thought it would be.  It just seems so marginal.  Like it's not that big of a deal that I got to be this small.  I feel like it's not enough weight loss.  I thought I wouldn't have anymore flabby areas, but I still do, and it's digesting. I have to work harder and getting rid of my back fat.  It's disgusting.  Nobody want to see that.  I've been working hard as well.  Working out every single day, sometimes twice that day.  My eating habits may not the best (see below, the last section) that could be affecting my weight as well.

II. Goals

I have quite a few goals now, since I've completed so many already.  These are my new goals.

1. I want my waist to be 20 inches -its 21 inches right now.  Originally it was 25.
2.I already have slight back dimples, but I want them to be more prominent like the models.
3. I want to get rid of my back fat
4. I want my butt to look more toned and less fat.
5. I want everywhere to just look better
6. I no longer have a goal weight since I don't know how much I'll need to lose to have the body I want.

III. Karma

What goes around comes around.  what goes up must come down.  I remember as kid being called fat.  I wasn't exactly fat, but I wasn't as skinny as I could have been.  I was pudgy, healthy child.  There were times as a child that I cried about being so fat. When people would call me fat, I would work out even harder. But I couldn't lose the weight.  I was picked on for most of my life for various reasons.  I have never been truly happy with my body image at all, but as I get skinnier I get happier and feel better about my body image.  I saw someone who when I was younger would call me fat all of the time because she was a stick.  Well now?  She's obese.  No joke, she really was.  She isn't much taller than me, but she looked about 150 lbs…which is huge.  Especially compared to what I look like now.  Karma.

When I see most people today, I only see skinny and fat.  Most people to me are fat.  I know that's judgmental, but I can't help it.  My view has become so distorted.  anybody that s bigger than me, is fatter than me.  Sure they may be in better shape than me, but they're still bigger than me.  And that's how I know that my views have become distorted.  I see people who aren't fat as fat and people who are obviously underweight as perfect.  People rag on Keira Knightly for being too skinny.  she looks fine to me.  I wish that I could be that tall and that skinny.

When people comment that I look good or that I look like I've lost weight, it motivates me to lose even more.  It's a compliment.  I want people to notice that I'm losing weight.  But when people tell me I've lost too much weight that annoys me.  I hate when people say that.  For my height my weight is fine.  It's not light enough actually.  I know for a fact that people who complain about me being too skinny are just jealous of me.  they see that they can't get as small as I do so they see that tearing me down is the best solution.  Which is clearly the wrong choice.  Most of the people who tell me that I've lost too much weight are fat.  See?  Jealousy.  I'm dedicated to not becoming fat.

IV. Eating

Eating is one of the hardest things for me.  I know I need to eat to stay alive.  But I don't want to eat too much and then get fat.  that's disgusting.  But it's hard for me to control sometimes.  I do so good most of the time, and then I have a slip up.  

I'm not purging anymore so those slip ups really matter.  I decided to quit purging after I met Jeremy.  He doesn't know it, but he made me realize how bad it is to purge.  It's bad for your teeth, your throat, and your stomach.  Dentists can also notice it immediately, so I didn't want that either.  It's hard to stick to a certain caloric amount after working out so hard.  I don't like to go over 300 calories a day even if I work out that day because I know that I'll lose my self control if I continually go over 300 calories.

Today I started out with my almond milk which is about 60 calories per cup but I only drank half a cup for my pills.  I then biked for an hour plus some all over the city with Joe.  We went to get something to eat for lunch.  I ate an egg and some toast.  It was barely 90 calories because I hardly ate any bread.  I was proud of myself.  We biked back home, which totaled our time for about 2 hours and some change.  I'm allowed 300 calories a day normally.  So the biking added about 400 to equal 700 calories allowed for the day.  Subtract 130 calories from that from the eating, and then tonight I ate some more food (bad I know), so subtract another 130 from that as well.  So I stayed well with in the limit of my calorie goal, but I still feel bad for eating tonight anyway. I didn't need the food, I wanted it.

It's easily the most challenging thing to do.  To not eat.  Your body tells you to eat because it thinks it's hungry.  Society tell you to eat at certain times because that's what doctors have dictated are the right times to eat (I don't think people actually follow those times).  But then there's me.  I don't like eating at set times.  I eat when I feel hungry.  For most of the time, I don't feel hungry.  It's very slight.  But when I get hungry, I'll eat maybe a 70 calorie meal when I'm at home with all of my safe foods.  It's hard when Joe wants to go out to eat, because I spend more time looking for protein dense foods that are low cal (like boiled shrimp).  There are times that I just want to eat, nothing big, just I want to eat.  And I feel so guilty for it.  Since I'm not purging, I work out twice as hard to make up for eating the food.  I don't deserve to be eating the food.  It's terrible to being eat a lot.  I want to eat once or twice a day with certain protein dense meals so that when I work out, my body uses the protein.

V. Weight

October 2012, I started around 102-103 lbs. (I didn't start really trying to lose weight until Nov)
November 2012, I started around 98 lbs.
December 2012, I started at 88 lbs.

I'm hoping to lose just a little more weight.  I just want to look better.  Feel better about myself.  And I know that's possible if I lose more weight.  I'm not skinny enough.  I'm still fat.  I know that, people are just too nice to tell me that I'm still fat.  I can tell I'm still fat by the back fat I have.  My butt is still jiggly, so I know that I'm fatter than need be.  I just want to look better and feel better about myself.  Is that too much to ask?

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