Just the Way You Are | pinkcorsage's Blog

"When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change, cause you're amazing just the way you are."

Everyday you say it will be a better day. You say it so much, you start believing it will be. But in the end, it never really is.  And that's the crux of anorexia, there is no winning.  There is no happy day.  I know that as hard as I try nothing will be good enough.  That's something that anorexia does.  You can never have a good day.  It brings you down everyday.

 It starts off as a good day, but ends as a bad day. Today I weighed in at 85.4 lbs, the lightest I can ever remember being.  I don't think I've weighed that light since I was in 6th grade.  When I saw that number on the scale I was ecstatic.  I was even closer to being 84 lbs and it meant that I was disciplined for the most part.  But I know that even though I'm happy in the morning that it wont' last for long.  I know throughout the day, the eating and drinking will bring be back up.  And I'm right, when I get back home I'm weighing in at 86 lbs.  I know that I have self control that would rival most people, but I also have a weakness that seems to be winning quite a bit lately.  Everyday is a battle, a struggle, an interior war against my brain and my stomach.  My brain tells me to not eat unless I want to get fat. My stomach says feed me.  And most of the time my stomach wins out, but usually it's with tea.  Sometimes it's with food, and sometimes I eat a little more than I should.  And then of course I have to work it off, because I can't stand it being there.  I can't stand the fact that I was weak and ate.  Lately I've been going throughout the whole day without eating and then eating something when I get home, but it's hard because with Joe driving me around, I'm more likely to eat something because he wants me to eat something.

For the most part, my motivation is seeing people skinnier than me.  If I see someone who I thought was skinnier than me, and now that I'm skinnier than them it's an accomplishment.  If I see someone skinnier than me, then it's my goal to become skinnier than them.  I know that it's a vicious cycle that I should end, but I don't want to.  I don't want to see myself fat again.  I know that the weight I was too heavy for my body frame.  I naturally have a small bone structure, so the fat that I had was overpowering me.  But being smaller and losing the weight is starting to take it's toll on my body.  I know that it's not good that I'm having trouble at such a young age, but I can't help it.  I don't want to lose the control that I've finally achieved in my life.  For once, this is something that only I can change.

-I'm getting weaker not only in picking things up, but also moving things and just general weakness.
-It's getting harder and harder to keep up with people when working out, I tire out more easily.
-I'm starting to lose some coordination when walking long distances, kind of the same line with the general weakness, sometimes I almost fall over because my body is just tired.
-I'm suffering from insomnia and I'm tired all of the time (lovely combination).
-I have actually been getting some acne, something I rarely ever get.
-I'm always cold. Even in 70 degree weather I can be cold.
-I'm definitely moodier than I was. but I am in finals time as well.
-I'm constipated a lot - even though I do take fiber to help, if I've been tracking right, it's been over a week. I know that's not good either.
-My veins are more prominent then ever.
-The bags under my eyes are becoming more and more noticeable everyday (whether it's from being tired or the weight loss, I'm not sure)

I am realizing more now that my body is suffering for my own vain attempts to be skinnier.  I want to be skinny.  But I don't want to die either.  I don't want to look like the extreme anorexics when you google those images.  That's too much.  I suppose I want the best of both worlds.  I want to be skinny without the side effects of anorexia.  Today was the first day that Joe's taken a picture of me since I really started dealing anorexia and it was then I noticed how skinny I've really become.  I suppose looking in a mirror and seeing a picture of myself really is different.  My face has become more angular, it still has its soft shape, but the fat that was all over my face is slowly decreasing.  I mean it's natural to have some fat in the face, and before, I had too much.  I would consider myself still having my baby face.  Most people would tell me to be quiet and that I didn't have a baby face, but I knew I did.  It was obvious from my pictures that my face could stand to lose some weight.  I wouldn't say my face looks gaunt yet.  Something I do want to avoid because then it's more obvious, and it makes me look even more tired.  People tell me I look smaller everyday, but I don't think I've noticed it truly until I looked in the picture of me.  Sure, I look healthy for the most part, I think for people who don't know what I used to look like, I look normal, but for the ones that do, they see it more obviously now then they did.  

Joe is a perfect example.  The one person I've ever truly loved, and the one person that always been there is now back in my life as the one and only person I've ever wanted.  He's the one person that I trust with everything, but I'm not sure I can trust him with this.  We were getting ready to go out to meet some friends for chess.  I didn't realize that he was still in the room while I was changing shirts and usually when I lift my shirt up I naturally suck in a little because of the motion.  Well as I was changing Joe came up behind me and asked if I was purposely sucking in my stomach.  I said yes a bit.  It was then he said that my ribs were sticking out.  He touched them, almost surprised by them and I shrugged it off, purposely now not sucking in my stomach and while the ribs were visible, not painfully so.  I don't know if Joe knows that I have an eating disorder or not, but I think a part of him is starting to suspect strongly.  I did have a health issue in the beginning of October and with everyone I told them that it was temporary and I would eventually gain the weight back.  But with Joe, it's really hard to hide anything with him.  He's seen me eating, so I think it just surprised him that my ribs were still showing.  (I only eat to appease him and to draw suspicion off of myself.)  It's easy telling people I miss eating what I used to eat (terrible food, carbs everywhere, grease, fat, nastiness - I can't believe I let myself eat that), but what's hard is actually acting like I want to gain the weight back.  Because I don't.  I don't want the weight back.  I hate looking fat, and for once I feel skinny.

With Joe, I'm honest and I tell him I don't want to gain the weight back, that it was too much and I was fat.  He's heard about me complain about my weight during our relationship for the past four and half years.  It's never been an issue for him, but I'm sure it bothers him a little bit.  But I think seeing how small I've gotten made him realize that maybe something else is wrong and it's not just some health issue.  There are times that I let phrases I shouldn't' say around him slip like "safe food" or I've become obsessed about how many calories are certain items.  I won't eat anything unless I'm positive on the calorie count.  And if it fits within my calorie limit, I can eat it.  I don't like going out to eat at all, but with Joe, he makes me go out a lot, and I spend so much time seeing if there are any safe foods that I can actually eat and aren't high in calorie.  I know that Joe loves me and that he cares very deeply for me, but I'm afraid once he truly realizes what's wrong he'll make me get help.  Something that I don't want right now.  

I'm perfectly fine with being the way I am.  Well no, not really, I'm fine to the point of not wanting to gain anymore weight which I know a doctor would have me do.  A doctor would say I'm underweight and would make me weigh at least 100 lbs before stating I was healthy again, and at 100 lbs, I'm only 3 lbs off of what I was.  It's too much.  I will try to not go under 80 lbs, because that is too much.  I don't want to be severly underweight.  Underweight is good enough.  I do know that if I get too underweight, it will be obvious to everyone and I don't want or need that happening either.

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