anorexia | pinkcorsage's Blog

Before October it was just a word.
Something that I thought would never affect me - or so I foolishly thought.
There was a time that I didn't know what anorexia was - what it truly meant to be one.
But now it consumes my life.
Every single aspect.
Every day.

Every thought it devoted to something around anorexia.

I will not and cannot eat anything until I know how much I'll have to do burn it off.  I try to burn twice as many calories as I eat.  And while I am getting weaker, I've decided weakness only happens when you let it affect you.  Today I ran up and down the stairs at work for 20 minutes, working up a sweat.  And while it wasn't as many as I would have liked, I knew that I was burning off calories.  Today somewhere commented that it looked like I had lost weight.  I was so proud of the fact that she had noticed, I had to stop myself from bragging.  I told her really?  I didn't really notice too much.  She commented that my face looked much thinner than it had been for a while.  It does look more angular as I look in the mirror.  I did mention that I was exercising as well, and she kind of admonished me for it, which kind of annoyed me.  So I want to exercise and not eat.  It's not a big deal.  I am still fit to do so.  Right now I'm training for the CCC, and I don't care if it kills me to run it, but come this March, I'm running in that race.  I see myself getting thinner everyday.  But as I get thinner, I also get more toned because I'm working out so often.  I also see that sometimes my weight fluctuates.  I can't tell if it's because I'm working out more and I'm gaining muscle mass or if I'm just getting fat.

I thought that Joe and I had gotten back together, but I was wrong.  It's tearing me apart.  All I want is to be with him.  That's all I want.  My heart is breaking every single timeevery single time.  I should be happy today.  I weighed in at 85.4 lbs and my quads have gotten smaller from the working out.  They are now 15 from 16 inches.  I've been working on my quads for the past week.  And it's showing, I've lost an inch on both sides.  My legs look so much better now.  But I'm still so unhappy.  I'm depressed.  I feel like I have no control over my life, and losing weight and working out constantly is something I do have control over.  I've also picked up purging again.  With Jeremy completely out of my life, I feel like I have no true support system.  I can't help but to purge.  I get hungry and then I eat.  Then it has to come back out.  When I was seeing Jeremy I didn't want to purge because I didn't want to.  Without even knowing it, Jeremy was helping me.  But I'm so in love with Joe still that I couldn't see the benefits that Jeremy held because a part of me was scared.  But a bigger part of me didn't want to start over again.  Joe was/is familiar.  Joe is someone I know.  Jeremy  I would have to learn everything again.  He wanted to know me.  He was willing to try.  And I threw it away.  For something that I thought would work.  And now I'm seeing the mistake I made not only in going back to what I knew, but to also allowing my purging habits to start again.

I tell myself not to purge.   That I wont' today, but then sometimes I purposely eat something, within reason never binging, knowing that I will purge it that night.  In the past week, I've purged probably 4-5 times.  Sometimes it's stress related.  Other times it's because I want to.  The next day that I've purged, I work twice as hard in my work out because I know that most of the calories didn't come back out.  I feel like such a disappointment.  I'm in love with someone who doesn't want me back right now (or so he says), I ruined something with potential with someone else because I wanted my ex back, I can't stop purging, and I'm fat.  It's sad because I'm losing control in my life.  Anorexia is the only thing that I can control.  There was a time that I remember being happy.  Actually truly being happy with my weight, my life, and mostly with Joe.  I don't remember it now.  It seems so long ago.  I can't pretend to be happy anymore.  I can't act like this doesn't bother me.  I'm so in love with someone who can't see it.  Or doesn't care.  Everyone around me is getting married or engaged and here I am doing neither.  I just want to be in a relationship with the guy I'm in love with.  The one that I'm living with like we're dating.  That's all.  I don't think I ask for much in my life at all.  I really don't, but if I do, then I want someone to point it out to me so that I know, because if I'm being ungrateful then I would like to know.  I don't think that I am.  I just want him back.   It's so hard acting like it's okay.  Like this doesn't bother me or something.  My heart is breaking.  And anorexia is slowly but surely taking over everything because it's something that makes me feel happier and makes me feel better about myself.  I know it's stupid.  I can't help it.  This is definitely something I didn't think would take over my life as easily as it did.  but in fact, quite quickly, anorexia is now my life.

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