On the Road | pinkcorsage's Blog

I didn't realize that when I started seriously becoming anorexic all of the effects it would have.  But I don't think anyone truly does.

-Weakness
-Loss of coordination (fading)
-insomnia (fading)
-Tiring more easily
-Always cold
-Acne (fading slightly as my period approaches)
-Constipation (fading)
-Visible veins
-Under eye bags

Well let's add on a couple of more:

-Hair loss.
-And loss of a sex drive (yeah really personal)

But none of that matters, it was the hair loss that made me finally realize.  The other day I was pulling my hair up into a pony tail and for the first time I wasn't in a rush.  So I was naturally taking my time, and that's when I saw it.  On the right side, my hair line was receding more.  I'm a female by the way, so naturally I'm going to be a little vain when it comes to my hair.  At my age and with my family history, hair loss should not be happening.  I haven't been washing my hair as often as I used to either, which is another way I would've been able to tell the hair loss was happening faster.  Before I started suffering from anorexia I did my hair every single without fail.  Whether it was straightened or curled, something was done to it.  Well only recently I stop straightening it every day.  And I've been pulling it up in a bun most days.  But because I had time today, I decided to straighten it, and it actually made me really upset straightening my hair and seeing where it had become thinner.  They say it takes about a month for your hair to react to whatever has happened to your body.  So I'm experiencing November's lack of proper eating.  And in January I'll experience December's.  My weight has become such a priority and not my hair.

it was the hair.  The hair loss made me realize what I've been doing for the past couple of months, what I've really been doing, that I'm slowly killing myself.  Destroying the one body I was given for life.  It's hard though, it's hard to see the damages, but it's also hard to stop those urges to be skinny and not care what it does to my body.

I have a disease.  I know it now.  Anorexia is not just a disorder, it's a disease.  Despite what doctors say, or people say.  Anorexia is a disease.  It infects you, your thoughts, your personality, your attitude, but mainly your life.  It's small at first, manageable, but soon it becomes out of control and consumes your every thought and your mind.  I wanted to be skinny no matter what, if that meant starvation, over exercise, purging, it didn't matter.  Skinny was my goal.

In three months, I've lost the person that I was.  The person that had life, had a good relationship with food, a wonderful boyfriend, a social life, and honestly just a happier disposition.

Well, look at me now: pining over said boyfriend (since if you read my last post, I don't know what we are - and we also live together), I've been so focused on my weight loss, I don't really have a social life either.  I've become less patient, more moody and more despondent whenever I don't see the weight I want to see on the scale.  This is anorexia at it's worst for me.  I'm becoming a mere ghost of who I was.  I see that what it is doing to my personality, my body and mainly my health is terrible.

So I guess this post is just a post saying:

I want to be on the road to recovery.  I want to recover.  I want a normal relationship with food again.  I want to be able to look at my body and be okay with it.  I want to get better.  I want to eat food and not feel guilty for eating it.  Not purging to get rid of the food.  I want to exercise because I enjoy it (which for the most I do) and because I want to stay in shape not because I'm terrified of the weight gain.

I want to beat anorexia, and I want Ana out of my life for good.  I want to be the happy person I was, and I want to be the person that doesn't need to worry about food.  Someone who can be happy to be happy without needing a scale.

I want to recover.