State of Grace | pinkcorsage's Blog

I ran 12.5 miles yesterday and told myself because I ran so much that I wouldn't purge.  I did.

Joe and I went to Nacho Mama's, and I ate too much.  At first I rationalized saying I did work out that much so it was okay.  But naturally, I felt guilty.  Too guilty.  And I ended up purging that night, I couldn't get everything out but most of it did come back out.

I ate guacamole and chips, southwest egg rolls, and then a fajita.  I barely made it through the fajita before having the need to purge.  It was so intense, I felt that my stomach was going to explode from the food.  I don't want to think of the calories I ate.  While I know that most of them came back out not enough did.

I know that this journey will be hard to actually make it through.  I don't want to die, but I know that I'm killing myself.  This is the hardest journey I've taken on in my life.  I've probably messed up my stomach from the yo yo eating and purging.  I know that I will never have a normal relationship with food again.  Most of the time, I can't have a normal relationship with food because I either eat too much or not enough.

I over exercised as well.  Today I was extremely sore and I was hurting the entire time I ran.  My muscles wanted me to stop go back home, but my brain was telling me no.  It didn't matter, I wanted to burn the calories off. So I ran.  I ran 7.45 miles.  More than I needed to, more than my body could take towards the end.  Anorexia is a battle that suddenly I'm afraid that I wont' beat.  I want to beat it, but subconsciously I don't.  My conscious effort is weaker than my subconscious.  I'd rather not bring in any doctors or go to a facility. I tell myself I can handle it, but I'm seeing that I really can't.  And that it's unrealistic to fully beat this by myself.  I've started the first step by realizing I have a problem, but I don't know if I can complete the rest without help.  But the thing is, I don't' want professional help, I don't want to be in a facility.  They terrify me honestly.

I don't know how to tell people in my life without them treating me differently or just acting oddly around me.  I just want things to go back to the way they were.  I don't want to have to work at getting better.  I just want to be better.