The Climb | pinkcorsage's Blog

*This is detailing from the week of Friday December 21st  - Saturday December 28th.*
[And in this week, Joe and I officially got back together - something that did help with the weight gain because I was so happy and I ate.]

The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem - I've done that, admittedly it took the hair loss for me to see that I had a problem.  It hasn't been easy - I see myself gaining the weight back.  It kills me.  I can't stand feeling fat and bloated.  I don't feel pretty either (my period is coming up so that doesn't help either).

I started this past week at 87 lbs.  I am now about 91-92 lbs.  So I've gained about 4.5 lbs and while to most people that's nothing, to me it's everything - it means I'm weak and not strong anymore.  That my resolve isn't as strong as I thought it was.
This past week that I promised to try to gain some weight back healthily, Joe's friends came into town.  Where they come from their food is terrible, so that means that they want to eat out every single night and what did that mean for me? I ate every single night - fattening and terrible food.
I didn't want them to realize that the main reason I had lost weight was because I had been restricting and purging.

But while eating every single night, that meant I was purging up to three times a day.  Most of the time it was twice only, but there were days I had to purge three times to make sure everything came back up.

And the problem with purging, is that you can't get it all back out.  Some of those calories stay, and that's what caused me to gain the weight back so easily.  I calorie count daily, and while I was still eating below the amount recommended (1200 calories) most days, one day I did eat about 1500 calories.  I gained the weight because it was more than I had been eating. These people have known me for four years, and in those four years they've never seen me restrict or have any body issues because they see the person that I project.  And for a time in those four years, my weight wasn't an issue.

My relationship with food was normal - I ate whatever I wanted in front of them and didn't worry.  Because when we met back in 2008, I just gotten over my recent purging episode because I started dating Joe June 2008 and he helped me work through that.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed eating the food, but the guilt that I felt after I hated it.  I felt so bad, I had to get rid of the food.  I felt so bloated.  And purging actually only makes you feel more bloated…so this week has been a bad one for me.
Thankfully Joe and I got out of Christmas dinner meaning I wasn't tempted there, but still, I gained weight.  And while I was running today, I felt fine, meaning I'm not heavy per se, but  I feel fat.

Part of me wants me to get better and gain all of the weight again and have a normal relationship with food - where I don't calorie count or worry about the lbs.

The other part of me doesn't want to gain the weight back because I see it as fat - even though to others it's not.  but that's the distorted part of my mind working against me.
The other day Joe told me that he likes me be thinner, but he misses the curves that I had.  He realizes that I'm developing the runner's body and that with that I wont' be as curvy, but
I'll be more toned.

He told me the other day, that he likes the fact that I keep myself in shape (I don't know if he realizes whether or not I'm battling with anorexia) but he doesn't like the fact that he can feel bones when he hugs me around my shoulders.  He mentioned that sometimes he feels like he's going to break me if he hugs me too hard.
When we were spending time with the friends out of town, one of them picked me up and swung me around like a doll.  As he put me down he told me that I felt like nothing - but then again this guy was easily 200 lbs, so I suppose 87-90 lbs is nothing to him.
Joe told me that this is the thinnest I've ever been in our relationship.  I know that part of him misses when I was curvier, but he accepts that I want to be a runner, I do really like running.  As a child I was told I wouldn't be able to run like the other kids because I was too small so I ran to prove all those people wrong.


So I started writing this yesterday, but am continuing to write it today.
Today I ran over 14 miles.  I ran so much because I didn't run yesterday and I ate bad food yesterday and I didn't purge. I felt guilty about it.  So guilty.  Part of it was eating me alive just knowing that I didn't exercise and the fact that I ate bad food.
And I just can't help it.  I know that period bloat is not helping either.  I know that the mindset I have now is making me feel fat whenever other people see me they see a skinny person. But all I see is a person who could lose some more weight.

And when I see those numbers on the scale it makes me cry because I do feel fat.

I know that this is a hard fight and I hope that one day I'll be fine with my weight, and not feel guilty after I eat.  I don't want to purge anymore.  That's something I can do if I run every single day.  But I don't know if I can stop feeling guilty, but it's a journey.

And in life, it's not about the destination but the journey.

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