Trecherous | pinkcorsage's Blog

This year, my only resolution is to stop purging.  I know for a fact that this is a resolution that will not only be hard to actually follow through with, but the one that I really need to complete.  The others don't matter.

I purged four times yesterday.  I know that could qualify me as bulimic.  I couldn't help it.  The thing is, saying that I'm going to quit and actually doing it - is difficult.  It's damn near impossible.  I didn't realize that anorexia would have such a strong hold on me, and how it would become reflex to purge.  I naively believed that I was in control.  

My throat is killing me from purging so much.  and I can tell that my cheeks are slowly becoming swollen from the times that I've purged in the past couple of weeks.  I know that I'm destroying my teeth, my esophagus and probably parts of my stomach from forcing the food to come back up.  I tell myself I won't today.  But somehow I manage to do it again and again, and again.

But it's the new year and I'm going to try emphasis on try to not do it anymore.  I did start today when I went out and ate some food.  I went back home and I started to purge, but it was almost as if my body was reminding me of the promise I made and I stopped.  It also helped the fact that my throat is killing me and my body is tired from the throwing up.

I've had to stop pinning food pins on pinterest to try to stop the wanting to eat food.  I run all of the time too.  I know that I'm running my body into the ground with the purging, the restricting and now the over exercise.  The thing is I'm still gaining weight.  And it's killing me.  This mindset that I've developed is what is keeping the desire to purge alive.  Because I know that when I restricted and purged that I was losing weight.  But when it's one or the other it's almost a stand still with the weight loss.  The problem is that I see myself and I'm not happy with myself at all.

I hate how my body looks.  I've lost the weight in my arms and my legs are now toned, but my stomach is a disaster.  No matter what I do I can't seem to tone it and I hate that.  I think that is one of the things that controls the need to purge and restrict as well because I can't seem to make myself look perfect.  I know that people aren't perfect but in my mind I want to be perfect.  that's the mindset, that there is this intense desire to be perfect.

So to all of you people wanting to be anorexic or bulimic, it's not pretty.  Your goal in life should not be to be that.  Because both of them can be deadly diseases.  It's not something to aspire to have either.  I wish I could have a normal relationship with food again.  where I didn't worry about what I was eating and the calories in it.  And I didn't worry about my body image.  That's what anorexia/bulimia does.  It destroys your body image, your perception of others, and mainly your relationship with food.  It's not all it's cracked up to be.

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