All Too Well | pinkcorsage's Blog

I said earlier that I wanted to start purging and get better.

I lied. I do want to stop purging.  That's the truth.  But I don't want to gain the weight back.  I like how my legs don't touch when I walk, that I can feel my shoulder blades, my collar bone.  I can't help it.

In October 2012, I was 103 lbs.  I felt so heavy, fat, over weight, and disgusting.  Joe loved me though, he thought I looked fine.  But I didn't love myself.  I hated how I looked naked.  I refused to weigh myself or look in the mirror because I was so upset about my body, hence the reason I was so heavy, I didn't watch my weight or what I ate.

There was a time that I was about 103 lbs during track and cross country.  I know that during that time I was running actively it was muscle mass because throughout these activities we had physicals and for every physical they mentioned my body fat ratio (or whatever they called) was 16-17%.  However, I stopped running once I entered college, got too busy, and I also became very comfortable in my relationship, so I did lose weight because I was losing the muscle mass.  I dropped down to 98 lbs, but then slowly enough I was gaining weight and this time around it was just fat.

I hated how I looked and how I felt.  Clothes were getting tight, and half of the things that I wanted to wear.  I wanted to lose weight but didn't want to put the effort  in doing so.

However, during October, I got sick with an illness.  I've mentioned it before in this blog.  The doctors still don't know what caused it or what made it worse or better.  since at times the medication prescribed made me sicker.  There were times during this period I would vomit up to 4 times a day (hence the reason that the purging started happening).  I also had a lack of appetite, and it helped with dropping the lbs quickly.  Very quickly, I was losing a lb or two a week.

When I saw the doctor for something else, I realized that in two weeks I had lost 5 lbs.  I can say that while I was indeed dealing with an illness, I can't say how much was actual illness weight loss and how much was actual deliberate weight loss.

As I lost the weight, more and more clothes started fitting again, but quite a few of my favorite dresses were no longer fitting because I was losing the fat in my hips and the curves.  When I first started losing it, it didn't matter, but now I see that I don't have the curves I once did.  And sometimes I feel like a look like a child, but I still have the body parts of a woman.  I've never been tall, so some of the weight loss was okay because being curvier at my height looked odd.  The weight loss did help reduce the site of cellulite which I had developed over the years, nothing major, but enough to make me uncomfortable about my body.

Throughout the months of October, November, and the beginning of December I dealt with the illness, and combined with my deliberate efforts to lose weight I lost about 18.5 lbs.

It was easy to keep the weight off at first, but throughout December, I began the bad habit of binging and purging more often and slowly I gained more and more weight and am now struggling around 90-91 lbs.  It still hasn't made too much of a difference but it still bothers me because I don't know how much is fat gain back and how much is muscle mass.  There have been a couple of days that I've eaten up to 1600 calories a day.  (A normal calorie range limit for me at one time) but way too much now.

I'm disappointed in myself for letting it get so far.  One for letting this eating disorder consume my life, and the other for wanting to become so skinny.  I can't have a normal relationship with food anymore.  I work out all of the time.  I count calories. I'm obsessed with weight loss and not being fat.  The thing is, part of me doesn't want to become extra skinny, hence the weight gain.  I don't want to be the weight I was, that's a definite.  But I'm realizing more and more that it's not just a thing, it's become a part of me.  Mentally, I want to be thinner.  It doesn't matter what cost.  It's become a mindset.  The other day I was calculating calories and how many I could eat and then how many I would have to work off.  

I've been given one body, and my mindset is letting me destroy this body without any care.  It's sad.  I should be happy, I'm young, I'm in college, I'll be graduating this may.  It should be a happy time for me, but all I can focus on is calories burned.  Calories burned.  Calories burned.  

I've been given a second chance in my relationship with Joe.  We got back together, and while he doesn't realize that I have an eating disorder, he's the one that's making me want to get better.  He is the rock that I need.  I don't want to get outside help, because I know they will make me gain the weight up to 103 lbs, but I don't think I can do this alone.  

If there is someone out there that is trying to recover as well, please contact me.  I would love nothing more than to fully defeat this and live my life again.

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