18 days | pinkcorsage's Blog

It's been so many days since I last binged/purged that I've forgotten how many days it's been.  I had to look it up.  It's been 18 days.  Over half a month.  I never thought that I would come this far.  I never thought I would have the will power either.

I know that I have gotten better.  I'm not recovered by any means.  But it's not nearly as bad as it was.  I still have anorexic tendencies, when I work out on the treadmill I say I'll workout for a half hour, but then sometimes I look at how many calories I'm burning then I want to get to a certain number.  The thing is, I enjoy working out.  I don't workout to burn off calories, I do it because I want to get back into shape and to tone my body.  Something that wasn't happening when I was starving myself.

I dropped down to 85 lbs in December.  I bounced up to 95 in January, because of all the binging I was doing.  Well on January 17th, I began eating healthy and that 5 lbs was water weight from all of the bad food I was eating so much of.  But the thing is, my weight doesn't determine who I am anymore.  It doesn't make me happy or sad.  It make me proud.  Proud of the fact that I haven't lost anymore weight.  Proud of the fact that I don't want to lose anymore weight.  Proud of the fact that I'm okay with gaining weight (as long as it's muscle mass from my strength training.)

The thing is now that I am strength training and getting back in better shape than I was before I still have the same size waist, and other measurements that I had before when I was starving myself.  And I've really realized something.  Eating healthy, working out regularly has made me a happier person.  I feel better about myself.  

In fact, there is a box in my living room filled with all of my binge foods.  when I had first my attempt to stop binging I had asked Joe to hide the box. He did so.  Well a week ago, I had asked him to take it down.  It's in my living room just sitting there.  I haven't touched it.  I don't want to eat any of the food in there.  I don't crave it either.  I don't want the food in there because I know it's not healthy and it's not the food that I want either.  I know that while I am better, I won't be recovered for a long time.  The physical scars are still there, but the mental scars will be there forever.